 The topic of failure brings up lots of feelings. People often assume that failure is not an option, like we are all capable of choosing to fail or not to fail. Being afraid to fail is a little like being afraid to step out the door in the morning; everyday comes no matter how prepared you are just like failure is inevitable no matter how prepared you are for the day ahead.This pressure to never fail is, in a way, a failure. Not just to ourselves but to those around us.
Failing has always been a struggle of mine. I used to desperately cling to being perfect and doing everything I could to ensure that I would never fail at school, at dance, in a job, in relationships. Let me tell you: it is an exhausting way of living. When I finally accepted that I am not perfect, that I will fail many times in my life, and that I do things wrong; life got a little easier. I truly believe that learning how to fail is an important life lesson. When something is inevitable, isn’t it best to learn how to handle it head on rather than hide from it? There is a way to accept failure and a way to move past that failure. Not just for ourselves but for those around us, because we not only fail ourselves but occasionally others. It seems that so few of us have learned this lesson which can make it difficult to accept failure in those around us. Let me tell you the lesson learned here is grace. Grace is the reason we are capable of accepting failure and how we can move past failure. When we remember that everyone fails and that we are made imperfectly, it is much easier to fail with grace rather than fail with a temper. This is a lesson that should be past on to our children. Learning graceful failure as a child is easier than to live our lives trying to be perfect until we run out of steam. Children are so resilient and capable of bearing more than they are given credit for. They learn from the adults in their lives what is acceptable and what is not. If a child is told over and over that failure is not an option, they learn to live in a constant state of anxiety. On the flipside, if a child is taught that they will be shown grace when failing, then they will learn to show grace to themselves and others. I pray that this philosophy of expecting and accepting failure in life will trickle down to our children and influence others in our lives. Teaching children how to fail with grace is not something that many people think about, I know I never did until I noticed how hard some kids take it when they fail. Especially with our new age philosophy of allowing every child to ‘win’ in sporting events. This idea of everyone winning only leads to disappointment in later life because we can’t all win all the time. But win children are given the opportunity to fail, they are being shown that it happens. Everyone loses. Everyone fails. Everyone also recovers, moves on, and learns from their mistakes. Failure is always an option, sometimes an inevitable option that can’t be helped. As fall approaches and schedules get loaded up with games, competitions, tests, and other activities let us remember grace. Grace in failure for ourselves, for our children, and for everyone else in our lives.
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 When I met my wife, most of my time away from her was spent looking forward to seeing her again. I would think of creative ideas for when we would see each other and how we would spend that time. We would get coffee and walk around the park talking, go to movies, go dancing, or go walk around the bookstore I knew would make her fall in love with me if she associated it’s greatness with me (Thanks Recycled Books in Denton, TX!)
At this time in our lives, we were in college, but the busy part. We were both taking full-time upper level courses, working in research labs, working for actual money, and volunteering at our church AND a non-profit. Somehow, we managed to fit sleeping and eating in there too.When we did have time together though, we made it count by being intentional with focusing on each other and trying new things. Most dating couples do this without much thought. Sometimes, people get married and transition to dealing with life. Some may think they have moved on from dating to being married. Could this be a damaging way to think of our marriages? Gary Chapman (author of Five Love Languages) suggests that there is about a two-year period in a relationship where people feel “in love” without doing much to keep this going. When someone is “in love” they have yet to experience much difficulty in the relationship. We are not very aware of our partners flaws, or have not found those flaws irritating (yet). Once we start to get back to real life though, we have to make an intentional effort to keep these relationships moving forward. We cannot just put our relationships on auto-pilot and expect them to fly the distance. A common reason for divorce is people drifting apart. This can happen at any stage of your relationship. There is always something else that can be made priority over your relationship. A newly married couple with no kids may put their career or friends over their spouse. Many couples struggle keeping their relationship strong after the kids are out of the home. I’ve had conversations with people who are simply aware they have put their spouse on the back burner and focused on parenting. Some couples dread retirement and having to be around their spouse more. Our culture has just given into the lie that marriage is impossible and that no one has a happy one. However, many couples DO make it and DO have fulfilling relationships. A consistent date night is a way to accomplish that. A pushback I often hear if I suggest this in therapy is that a couple doesn’t have time and/or money for date night. This is a misconception that we all can easily fall into and it can be devastating to our relationships. So let’s reconstruct how we see date night. It does NOT have to be an expensive dinner followed by an expensive activity possibly paired with baby-sitter fees. Try this instead. A date night is intentional time spent together to deepen your connection. My wife and I will usually do one date night out a month where we spend a little more money. The other three weeks consist of playing games at home, taking a walk, or going to a coffee shop. (This is without cell phones mind you, but that is a different topic for a different post.) If you are married or have been dating your partner for a few years now, there is no doubt that you’ve changed since you’re relationship began and so has your significant other. This is the case for every person on the planet, and will be until the end of time. Putting in the effort to know this changing person before you can create a relationship far beyond what the culture puts out there. Action Steps
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