 Gary Thomas is most known as an author and a speaker. He has written over 20 books, countless articles, and has a Master’s degree in Systematic Theology. This is reflected in the depth of his books on marriage. Sacred Marriage is one of the deepest books I have read by a Christian author. Many books attempt to take a one-size-fits-all approach that focuses on changing specific behaviors. This may be helpful in some cases, but it does not always have a lasting impact. Sacred Marriage goes 20,000 leagues deep on what marriage means to the one who created it, things we can expect in different areas, and the theological understanding for why marriage can be so difficult. Will this book give you 5 ways to love your spouse better? Not necessarily. However, it very well may change your perspective so that you end up loving your spouse better and putting more intention into your relationship with your spouse.
One of the key points of Sacred Marriage changed the way I conceptualize love. It has always been easy for me to think about the movie version of love. Things are new and refreshing, you laugh on dates together, you enjoy different activities together, in the movies there is a moment of tension, but a conversation always provides understanding and they are incredibly happy afterward. Sometimes if there is tension or turmoil in the marriage, we can think we made a wrong choice. There are a lot of people out there! Maybe I chose the wrong one? I can see why people might think this, but here is another option. Every marriage is formed by two different people, with two different personalities, family backgrounds, relationship history, likes, dislikes, wounded areas of their heart, hopes, dreams, ideas of roles in marriage, ideas of being respected and loved, and on and on. The reality is whoever we marry, we will find challenges to overcome. From a theological standpoint, Thomas suggests this thing we are experiencing is called sanctification. In simpler terms, God is using our spouse to show the areas of our hearts that do not look like Him. That is painful. Secondly, Thomas suggests you can cheat on your spouse without looking at another person with lust or engaging in an extramarital relationship. He takes the stance that when things take priority over our spouse that should not, we are essentially cheating on them. This may sound extreme, but from my perspective I see it all the time. A wife feels lonely because her husband stays at work after hours to hangout with friends on a nightly basis. A husband feels rejected because his wife will not make time for a date night, but refuses to miss other events on her social calendar. Nearly everything can be overvalued if the marriage is not intentionally guarded. One of the biggest takeaways that impacted me is how Thomas describes the Imago Dei. The Imago Dei means “made in the image of God”. Men and women are both made in the image of God, yet we very frequently have differences. Some of these differences seem incredibly difficult to navigate in the context of a relationship. Thomas makes the point that these gender differences are good things, but can feel like impossible barriers. One I often hear is that men are not emotional and they do not have the capacity to be so. We may not have the language to express our emotions the way the fairer sex does, but we experience them all the same. This difference, and learning to navigate it within the context of a safe relationship, can help us change into a different, more rounded version of ourselves. This is a book to wrestle with. If both couples are readers, it is a great one to slowly go through taking notes and discussing. It is not explicitly trying to give marriage advice, but many books that take that approach fail. Relationships are not so simplistic. I highly encourage you to check this one out.
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 We know that every relationship looks different because every person is different with their own set of values and boundaries. This is why relationships can be so eye-opening because we all have our own personal agendas when entering into a relationship.
An interesting topic that has been trending is one of Relationship Agreements or Relationship Contracts. This a type of legal document that two people can agree on before entering into a significant relationship or even marriage. The famous Mark Zuckerburg reportedly has a Relationship Contract based upon a request from his wife detailing what she should expect after she moved across the country to be with him. Apparently this is quite the trend in Europe and for people over the age of 45 who have been divorced. The idea of a ‘Relationship Contract’ sounds a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t two people be able to just talk about what matters? Do two people really need to have a physical document stating expectations? The answer I have found is: maybe. My husband and I have a few things that we have verbally agreed to before and after our marriage ceremony. We have things that we both value that we want to ensure we continue to have throughout our relationship. For some people, maybe a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Maybe having a physical representation of agreed upon ideals is needed to keep the relationship healthy. These are the things that my husband and I have come to agree upon for our relationship. Like I stated earlier, each relationship is unique with its own shared values and ideals. These are just a few things that work for my relationship which may or not work for yours as well. Agreements We do not see divorce as an answer to our problems. This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people and we are not judging anyone who has taken the course of divorce. My husband and I believe there is a time when divorce may be the only answer for some people. However divorce should not be the answer to trivial unhappiness. There is usually a way to work through the daily stuff in order to remain good enough together. The effect of us never ending an argument with the threat of leaving helps us fight for a better relationship. We do not bad mouth each other, this includes complaining. Media portrays serious relationships as something that people are never fully satisfied in. We all have our quirks that our SO (significant other) puts up with, we all get mad, or upset over things he/she does. But here’s the thing: complaining about these things, bad mouthing your SO in public, will never help! Once you begin having that ‘complaint session’ with other people, that little irritation is fed and all of a sudden, you have lost control of the situation. We do promise to always have a date night. Now people hear ‘date night’ and think: “we have kids”, “who has money for that”, or “who has time for that”. When it comes to ‘date night’ what we strive for is intentional time together; meaning no technology, just the two of us doing something. We play games, eat a meal, have coffee, literally any time spent away from technology can do a relationship wonders. We have recently discovered ‘Happily: Date Night Boxes’ which have been an easy way for us to spend time together (especially with us not wanting to go out during a pandemic). Look for our post on reviewing our date night boxes! We do promise to support each other in all that we do. My husband and I both worked full time and attended online graduate programs for the first three years of our marriage. It was not easy and it was not always pretty. The struggle was real, the tears, the heartache, the constant state of frenzy was something that we struggled through together. The unconditional support we share has impacted our relationship for the better. Without supporting each other, this ship would have sank in that first year of marriage. So, when you consider your relationships (current or future), we hope that you can keep these things in mind. Our relationships are choices we make and things that we have some control over. Every relationship requires work, commitment, and agreement on what is allowed by both people involved. Relationships are never perfect, we will never be perfect but we can work on being good enough for each other.  However well intentioned, many self-help books are based on very specific results to a specific person in specific circumstances. Sometimes these things can be motivating or inspiring. This is all well and good. Where it can be unproductive, or even worse, counterproductive is when this leads to a formula for guaranteed success. We can liken these differences to what the scientific community calls a case study. A case study is a detailed look at one case to get unique details that would be hard to measure with a large population. Case studies do not produce forms of treatment. Experimental research is what is more helpful in this regard. For example, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has specific steps that EFT therapists around the globe are trained in and replicate. The outcome studies are valuable because the same thing has been done with couples of different ages, races, location, amount of kids, etc and has found lasting success. This is very different from a couple telling you their unique story and then telling you what to do.
Many self help books are not written by people with education in an area or professional experience in the domain of their writing. This does not mean none of them have anything valuable to say, but this does mean we have an unbelievably oversaturated market that may have some nuggets of truth dispersed throughout a very deep ocean. An alternative to this, would be finding someone that is actually practicing in their field. We wrote a review on Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. It's a, respectfully, horrendous book on relationships that is often rated highly by your average person. You know what he is not? A marriage therapist. Nor are his degrees. Completely unrelated to marriage therapy. He is simply a man that made 2 verses in the bible more than what they are intended to be, took other scripture out of context to support his message, and was effective at marketing. Some communicators are great at tickling ears. They can write things in such a way that they can make us believe in a different future. There are far too many variables that can keep this from working though. Here are some things that can help navigate these types of books:
 Disclaimer: I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate with a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. I am not a Psychiatrist or medical doctor. Medication is something Americans tend to be incredibly comfortable with. According to a study by the CDC from 2011-2014: 1 in 9 Americans take antidepressants compared with 1 in 50 three decades prior. In many ways, this is a necessary treatment. What seems to be an issue is the way it can be handed out. For example, if I break my foot there is a protocol I would follow. I would see a doctor, maybe have surgery, take some medication to manage the pain, take some time off work depending on the severity, and track the progress until I can make changes. I would not be on crutches forever and I would not be taking pain pills forever. I use those things for that season where my foot is broken. In other cases, I might be dependent on medication for life. We know these things about physical issues but when it comes to mental health, we have a different view. If I break my foot, I will probably see a doctor that specializes in this area. I probably would not be comfortable with my general practitioner performing a complicated surgery on my heart or brain. However, we will take psychotropic medication from someone that does not specialize in that field. And it can help, right? That is why we do it. We feel better after we take it so we do not really see an issue. The physical equivalent here would be hobbling around on a broken foot and taking pain pills to get us through without treating the source of the pain-the break. There are many reasons why this is important, but let me highlight one of them. When it comes to depression and suicidal thoughts, sometimes people are too depressed to make a suicide attempt. With the little energy they have, it sounds like too much work. While this keeps them alive, it is not how someone would want to live either. Here is where a big difference can come in: If this person were to go to a psychiatrist, they may be given anti-depressants that they take for a week and then return. When they return they have an opportunity to explain if their suicidal thoughts have become worse or more accessible. If they receive the same medication from their general practitioner that asks them to return in a month or three it may be too late. While this may seem extreme, depression can literally be a life or death situation and it needs to be addressed by people who know the spectrum of potential outcomes. There are many things in the area of mental health, like with physical health, that may require lifelong medication. However, there are other things we face in life that can be overcome in therapy. There is a difference between shoving down the emotions we have and addressing the root cause of these emotions. If you are not crying anymore but you are not happy anymore either, you may have dealt with your pain or grief in a way that left its own damage. Here are some tips to change the way you deal with your medication:
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