 Something I get to do as a therapist that I never expected as a benefit of the job is being able to help people I love navigate finding their own therapist. Due to my ethics code, I could not provide therapy to someone who I already have a relationship with. However, I can use my knowledge of the field to help them find who they need to see. Have you ever looked for a therapist and seen a string of acronyms you don’t understand? Do you need an MMFT, LMFT-Associate? A PhD, LP? A Psychiatrist? An MA, LCSW Certified in EMDR? I hope you will be able to use this as a guide to find a therapist that fits your needs if you are looking and overwhelmed by the endless acronyms.
Before we get into this, I would start with an encouragement to find someone that IS licensed. There are plenty of people masquerading as therapists that have no business doing so. If you want help with mental health, step 1 is finding a LICENSED clinician. That means dump your life coach that just makes decisions you should be making or yells at you. Degrees-Degrees are simply education. Someone can have a degree without having a license. Most licensed clinicians will have at least a graduate degree. This would mean they have completed a 4 year bachelor degree, or undergraduate degree, and went back for another degree. Exceptions would be Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselors (LCDC) or Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) Therapists. We will be focusing on graduate degrees.
Licenses-For someone to have a license, they must have completed a graduate degree (Listed above) with the relevant coursework for their field, completed a state test to prove competency on the material, and have completed a determined number of supervised hours by an experienced clinician (or may be in the process of doing so).
Certifications-Certifications would be the 3rd step for a licensed clinician. If someone has a degree and a state license, certifications tend to show areas of interest for someone and may give you more confidence if you are wanting help in a certain area. This is not to say someone has to be certified in something to be able to help, it just means they may have more training and possibly experience. Then again there are many clinicians with a tremendous amount of experience that choose to not get certified in one approach. They may even have all the necessary training without completing the process to be certified.
Hopefully, this will give you some clarity when searching for a therapist. Look for someone that is qualified and seems competent in the area you need help. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions.
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 Divorce. The word alone can end an argument. Even used out of anger or just to end a fight, sometimes the suggestion can be so hurtful the actual result is divorce. For one spouse it can be a word that can be tossed out as a sign the fight needs to stop while another spouse can take it as the end of the marriage. An unforgivable word. This word can carry a lot of pain. In some cases, pain that has never been broached. This is exactly why couples that are considering marriage need to have this conversation openly and explicitly. Would divorce ever be an option for you?
My wife and I used to do premarital counseling at our old church. We always made a point to ask couples about their views on divorce. Many couples seemed shocked by the question-some assume premarital counseling should focus on the positives. The problem is if the discussion is not had assumptions are made. Then you can end up in a situation where one spouse, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to stop the conversation, throws out a comment about ending the marriage. What could be a parachute for one can be a free-fall for their partner. Then they crash land into irreparable damage. One view that has arisen in the past decade or so is the idea of a starter marriage. The belief is that you need a practice marriage prior to a “real” marriage. So you get married with the plan of getting divorced when things get hard. Rather than preventing divorce it assumes it as in impossibility. Spoiler alert: This does not make you more prepared for a successful marriage. One of the greatest factors for success in marriage counseling is the level of commitment. On the other hand the more marriages you have had the higher probability of divorce. With this information we can predict Starter Marriages prepare us to end our future marriages as well. One of the huge benefits of talking about it beforehand is it can give you great confidence and motivation in the midst of an argument. Confidence because you know as bad as it is your partner is not going to abandon you. Motivation because you will take seriously finding help and doing what is necessary to work on the relationship. On average, couples wait 7 years of being unsatisfied with their marriage before seeking help. If this sounds like a dumb idea, chances are many other conversations that need to be had are also being ignored. This is setting yourself up for failure. Challenging goals must be planned out. Marriage is similar in that matter. Avoiding tough conversations only makes you ill prepared.
 Just the words “Disney princess” brings up all sorts of nostalgic feelings for me. I have been a handful of princesses, currently own the majority of their movies, and several dolls for my daughter. The idea of being a princess has always been an ideal that I have never shied away from. Imagining myself as a princess, in a far away kingdom, awaiting a prince to love….I mean it brings up such positive emotions! I even like the idea of having a cute little critter to talk to about my problems and dreams. So it always saddens me when people go on the attack against Disney princesses.
Everyone has their own opinions about this idea of Disney princesses. I have heard it all: they dress inappropriately, they change for boys, they’re boy obsessed, they’re disobedient, always waiting around for someone else to save them, among many other criticisms. These are my thoughts that I have developed over the years on why I am not just ok with Disney princesses, but why I fully support the enjoyment of all things Disney princess. My first argument to all of the criticism has always been: what’s wrong with a little fantasy? We watch our children grow and learn through the power of play and imagination. So when we take away an innocent idea like Disney princesses, we are actually causing unhealthy ideas about what is inappropriate versus appropriate content. Generations of child researchers have studied how pretending is not only necessary but crucial for children to express themselves. There is nothing wrong with wearing a sparkly dress or a crown while pretending to be a princess. When we criticise our children for what they like or what they want to pretend, we teach them that they are wrong. When we criticise, we teach them they aren’t actually allowed to express themselves in a way that they feel comfortable. We never tell boys they can’t pretend to be knights or kings but we constantly preach that girls shouldn’t want to be a princess or queen. That is what we call a double-standard and I for one am not comfortable with that discrepancy. My second argument for why we should allow Disney princesses to be viewed is because they promote healthy relationships. Hear me out: healthy boundaries and creating lasting relationships is something that most grown adults still struggle with. When I watched the Little Mermaid, I was never distracted by her bikini, I was distracted by how Flounder and Sebastian worked together to try to help her make positive choices. Sure she goes against their wishes, but they continue to support her through the choice she made. When I watch Aladdin, I am not looking at how Jasmine wears a two-piece outfit, I was watching how she made the choice to reject Aladdin after she finds out he lied about who he was. I don’t know about you, but that takes a bold person to tell someone to go away after developing feelings for them. These princesses make decisions and face the consequences, good and bad, for which they take full responsibility. My last argument is for those that complain that princesses wait around for someone to save them. To this I always ask, “Have you ever even watched a Disney movie?” The princesses I know and love have all worked hard to save themselves, their friends, and their family from terrible situations. The majority of the princesses learn how to save themselves on their journeys of self-discovery. Moana, Elsa, Tiana, Pocahontas, Rapunzel, Belle to name just a few, all learn what’s important to them and how to save themselves and the people they care about. Sure there is Snow White and Sleeping Beauty who were cursed and forced to wait for a kiss to awake but they chose to run away from the lives they were living in order to feel free and discover the truth. If I had been lied to and abused for most of my life, I would have run away too! Every time a princess chooses to chase a life where they can dictate the rules, I praise them for being brave enough to journey into the unknown, to take a healthy risk to discover who they are. Without these journeys, they would not discover all that they can achieve alone but also with the people they care about. This may not have changed your mind and you may not agree with my points for why we allow Disney princesses in our home. What I hope is that maybe, you have a new viewpoint, maybe some new ways of viewing some of the beloved stories that are told. As always, what is right for one family is not always right for another. Make the choices that you are most comfortable with but I hope you do so without criticizing the child that shows an interest. We can criticize an ideal or an image but we should never criticize the child.  I have a habit that I have had for almost as long as I can remember. I would use it before a game against a fierce competitor back in the day, I would use it before tests in college, before testing a one rep max in the gym, before a job interview, and before asking my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter. Simply put, I talk to myself. It is a little more than that though. More accurately, I have an inner hype-man that believes I can do anything. You have inner thoughts though-everyone does. This is just using them to your advantage.
Imagine all of these examples if I allowed my inner thoughts to run the show. “They won’t hire you-there is always a better candidate”; “You are not going to be able to squat that”; “Why would he let you marry his daughter”. Many of us would not keep friends around that talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, but we allow ourselves to continue to beat us into submission. These negative thoughts do not just impact areas that we want to perform well, but also our day-to-day activities and our overall outlook on life. Does this really matter though? How can our thoughts change how we perform or how we feel? Gary Mack, author of Mind Gym, says “Others can help motivate you, but basically it must come from you…” There is so much power in how we treat ourselves mentally. Will it give you the results you want every single time? No. However, it can put you in a better headspace to compete in some cases. In other cases, it can help us be less critical in failure. This concept is not about feeling overly optimistic and things always working out in your favor. Consider this. If what I am saying is true, that if you think negatively you can set yourself back, could the results you are getting be due to the fact you do not expect things to work out in the first place? In psychology, we call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can feel easier to just assume failure rather than allowing yourself to hope. Wherever you land in this regard, give these things a try and see where it gets you. Utilize positive self-talk This can include a range of positivity. This can be anything from “I passed my last test. I prepared and attended all the classes. I can do this.” to “I’m going to destroy this test. This is just a small barrier in my path to greatness and I am going to obliterate it.” What would you want people to say to you to encourage you? What types of things would you say to friends to encourage them? Deconstruct negative thoughts Want to know something every human from the beginning of time until the end of time will have in common? We will have a thought that is not true. What can we do about it? Challenge our thoughts. If you do this with your positive thoughts, try it with negative thoughts as well. Take note of things like using the word “always” and “never”. Take note when you make large assumptions about people's motives. For example, you text a friend and do not hear back. You might have the immediate thought “They must have ignored me. They don’t like me.” On the one hand, sure. That is not completely out of the realm of possibility. However, what if your text failed? What if they saw it while they were driving, planned to respond when they got to their destination, and forgot by the time they got there? What if they were having a really bad day themselves and did not feel like talking to anyone? You get the picture. Just take time to challenge your thoughts. Accept compliments If someone says something nice to you, do not argue with them. Just appreciate what they are seeing in you and sharing with you. This is something I have a unique experience with as a counselor. I am constantly seeing growth in people that they are not giving themselves credit for. Part of what I do is call that out of them and celebrate it with them.  “What brings you guys in?” is one of my favorite questions to ask when I am seeing a new couple. It tells me a few different things. The first layer is obvious-infidelity, communication, finances, or any other number of things people face in a relationship. The next is a term created by Dr. John Gottman of “we-ness”. There is a difference between a couple that says “We have trouble communicating” vs. “They don’t listen to me”. The first statement shows some sort of ownership on both ends. We could break it down to “I have difficulty saying things in a way where I feel heard and they have difficulty not getting defensive.” The other one says “They need to change for this relationship to work.” What the presence or lack of we-ness shows me is a piece of the dynamic that plays out with a couple.
There are different schools of thought in the world of psychotherapy. A core belief in what would be the philosophical view of family therapy is that we need to change the dynamic more than a symptom. If someone has been struggling with depression and they do not feel secure in their marriage, there is a realistic possibility that marriage therapy is more what they need than individual therapy. If we were to compare it to a physical illness, this could be like treating a cough when someone has the flu. The cough might subside, but the reason for the cough is still there and it will likely return if not treated. Marriage therapy can actually address many of these symptoms in ways we may not expect. In some cases, it can impact depression, anxiety, or even trauma. *Trauma often needs specialization, but couples therapy can help as well. In our culture, commitment is not quite as expected in a marriage as it was a few decades ago. The view of marriage itself has changed in many other ways, but there is certainly something to be gained from commitment. There have been and continue to be times when someone has stayed in what we would now consider an abusive or manipulative relationship due to cultural values. However, one extreme for another may not be the answer either. In any marriage, there will be challenges. Going through these things and supporting each other through them strengthen a marriage. In some cases, these are things that are out of our control. In other cases, they are things where loving someone requires loving them when they are not at their best. This creates secure connection. If we take the idea of we-ness and apply it to the challenges in our relationships it may change our approach. This can have couples go to therapy with more of a mindset of overcoming challenges together rather than trying to change their partner. One thing that seems to be a barrier when couples come in is when one of them has taken it upon themselves to diagnose their spouse. This is not helpful. It usually leaves one person feeling even more disconnected from their spouse. It can create an identity for their spouse that ends up needing to be shed. This may seem hard to avoid, but here are some tips to consider:
 Shaunti Feldhahn has a graduate degree from Harvard, is an avid social researcher, does speaking engagements, and has written over 20 books. She utilizes her research to present data in her works to provide the much needed context to the picture we tend to see generalized in other works. In For Women Only and the counterpart she co-authored with her husband Jeff, For Men Only, she does just that.
My wife and I both really enjoyed these books. We are not your “average” couple when it comes to gender norms. I tend to be the one wanting to talk through problems and she can be the one that is less emotionally expressive. Because of this, books that take rigid stances on “what your wife will do” and “what your husband will do” not only leave me irritated on a personal level, but on a systemic level as well. I honestly believe books like that can do damage, but that is a breakdown for another post. What really impressed me with these books is the way she broke it down to give a significantly more clear picture of how women and men may respond or think about certain situations. There is very little opinion in this book. They surveyed a large group of men and women, asked them a variety of questions, and presented the results. Because of this, you are not reading “Your spouse thinks this…” but instead “If this is your spouse, they agree with 60% of the women we surveyed…”. This was such a relief to me. It helps us understand, your spouse may not fit into these boxes every thinks they will, but they are not completely alone. I would say these books can be helpful at any point in your relationship, but maybe more so in the early years. These can be really good for couples considering marriage, that are engaged, or may be having a tough time getting used to small differences that add up. In some cases, these frustrations cover up a larger issue. In these situations, you may seek out therapy or read something like Created for Connection or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. If that is not the case, these can be great. One way to go through these books as a couple is by reading the one about yourself first and highlighting things that line up with you and marking out things that do not apply. Then you and your partner trade books and have a clear guide on how the other one perceives themselves.  If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously.  Gary Thomas is most known as an author and a speaker. He has written over 20 books, countless articles, and has a Master’s degree in Systematic Theology. This is reflected in the depth of his books on marriage. Sacred Marriage is one of the deepest books I have read by a Christian author. Many books attempt to take a one-size-fits-all approach that focuses on changing specific behaviors. This may be helpful in some cases, but it does not always have a lasting impact. Sacred Marriage goes 20,000 leagues deep on what marriage means to the one who created it, things we can expect in different areas, and the theological understanding for why marriage can be so difficult. Will this book give you 5 ways to love your spouse better? Not necessarily. However, it very well may change your perspective so that you end up loving your spouse better and putting more intention into your relationship with your spouse.
One of the key points of Sacred Marriage changed the way I conceptualize love. It has always been easy for me to think about the movie version of love. Things are new and refreshing, you laugh on dates together, you enjoy different activities together, in the movies there is a moment of tension, but a conversation always provides understanding and they are incredibly happy afterward. Sometimes if there is tension or turmoil in the marriage, we can think we made a wrong choice. There are a lot of people out there! Maybe I chose the wrong one? I can see why people might think this, but here is another option. Every marriage is formed by two different people, with two different personalities, family backgrounds, relationship history, likes, dislikes, wounded areas of their heart, hopes, dreams, ideas of roles in marriage, ideas of being respected and loved, and on and on. The reality is whoever we marry, we will find challenges to overcome. From a theological standpoint, Thomas suggests this thing we are experiencing is called sanctification. In simpler terms, God is using our spouse to show the areas of our hearts that do not look like Him. That is painful. Secondly, Thomas suggests you can cheat on your spouse without looking at another person with lust or engaging in an extramarital relationship. He takes the stance that when things take priority over our spouse that should not, we are essentially cheating on them. This may sound extreme, but from my perspective I see it all the time. A wife feels lonely because her husband stays at work after hours to hangout with friends on a nightly basis. A husband feels rejected because his wife will not make time for a date night, but refuses to miss other events on her social calendar. Nearly everything can be overvalued if the marriage is not intentionally guarded. One of the biggest takeaways that impacted me is how Thomas describes the Imago Dei. The Imago Dei means “made in the image of God”. Men and women are both made in the image of God, yet we very frequently have differences. Some of these differences seem incredibly difficult to navigate in the context of a relationship. Thomas makes the point that these gender differences are good things, but can feel like impossible barriers. One I often hear is that men are not emotional and they do not have the capacity to be so. We may not have the language to express our emotions the way the fairer sex does, but we experience them all the same. This difference, and learning to navigate it within the context of a safe relationship, can help us change into a different, more rounded version of ourselves. This is a book to wrestle with. If both couples are readers, it is a great one to slowly go through taking notes and discussing. It is not explicitly trying to give marriage advice, but many books that take that approach fail. Relationships are not so simplistic. I highly encourage you to check this one out.  We know that every relationship looks different because every person is different with their own set of values and boundaries. This is why relationships can be so eye-opening because we all have our own personal agendas when entering into a relationship.
An interesting topic that has been trending is one of Relationship Agreements or Relationship Contracts. This a type of legal document that two people can agree on before entering into a significant relationship or even marriage. The famous Mark Zuckerburg reportedly has a Relationship Contract based upon a request from his wife detailing what she should expect after she moved across the country to be with him. Apparently this is quite the trend in Europe and for people over the age of 45 who have been divorced. The idea of a ‘Relationship Contract’ sounds a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t two people be able to just talk about what matters? Do two people really need to have a physical document stating expectations? The answer I have found is: maybe. My husband and I have a few things that we have verbally agreed to before and after our marriage ceremony. We have things that we both value that we want to ensure we continue to have throughout our relationship. For some people, maybe a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Maybe having a physical representation of agreed upon ideals is needed to keep the relationship healthy. These are the things that my husband and I have come to agree upon for our relationship. Like I stated earlier, each relationship is unique with its own shared values and ideals. These are just a few things that work for my relationship which may or not work for yours as well. Agreements We do not see divorce as an answer to our problems. This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people and we are not judging anyone who has taken the course of divorce. My husband and I believe there is a time when divorce may be the only answer for some people. However divorce should not be the answer to trivial unhappiness. There is usually a way to work through the daily stuff in order to remain good enough together. The effect of us never ending an argument with the threat of leaving helps us fight for a better relationship. We do not bad mouth each other, this includes complaining. Media portrays serious relationships as something that people are never fully satisfied in. We all have our quirks that our SO (significant other) puts up with, we all get mad, or upset over things he/she does. But here’s the thing: complaining about these things, bad mouthing your SO in public, will never help! Once you begin having that ‘complaint session’ with other people, that little irritation is fed and all of a sudden, you have lost control of the situation. We do promise to always have a date night. Now people hear ‘date night’ and think: “we have kids”, “who has money for that”, or “who has time for that”. When it comes to ‘date night’ what we strive for is intentional time together; meaning no technology, just the two of us doing something. We play games, eat a meal, have coffee, literally any time spent away from technology can do a relationship wonders. We have recently discovered ‘Happily: Date Night Boxes’ which have been an easy way for us to spend time together (especially with us not wanting to go out during a pandemic). Look for our post on reviewing our date night boxes! We do promise to support each other in all that we do. My husband and I both worked full time and attended online graduate programs for the first three years of our marriage. It was not easy and it was not always pretty. The struggle was real, the tears, the heartache, the constant state of frenzy was something that we struggled through together. The unconditional support we share has impacted our relationship for the better. Without supporting each other, this ship would have sank in that first year of marriage. So, when you consider your relationships (current or future), we hope that you can keep these things in mind. Our relationships are choices we make and things that we have some control over. Every relationship requires work, commitment, and agreement on what is allowed by both people involved. Relationships are never perfect, we will never be perfect but we can work on being good enough for each other.  However well intentioned, many self-help books are based on very specific results to a specific person in specific circumstances. Sometimes these things can be motivating or inspiring. This is all well and good. Where it can be unproductive, or even worse, counterproductive is when this leads to a formula for guaranteed success. We can liken these differences to what the scientific community calls a case study. A case study is a detailed look at one case to get unique details that would be hard to measure with a large population. Case studies do not produce forms of treatment. Experimental research is what is more helpful in this regard. For example, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has specific steps that EFT therapists around the globe are trained in and replicate. The outcome studies are valuable because the same thing has been done with couples of different ages, races, location, amount of kids, etc and has found lasting success. This is very different from a couple telling you their unique story and then telling you what to do.
Many self help books are not written by people with education in an area or professional experience in the domain of their writing. This does not mean none of them have anything valuable to say, but this does mean we have an unbelievably oversaturated market that may have some nuggets of truth dispersed throughout a very deep ocean. An alternative to this, would be finding someone that is actually practicing in their field. We wrote a review on Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. It's a, respectfully, horrendous book on relationships that is often rated highly by your average person. You know what he is not? A marriage therapist. Nor are his degrees. Completely unrelated to marriage therapy. He is simply a man that made 2 verses in the bible more than what they are intended to be, took other scripture out of context to support his message, and was effective at marketing. Some communicators are great at tickling ears. They can write things in such a way that they can make us believe in a different future. There are far too many variables that can keep this from working though. Here are some things that can help navigate these types of books:
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