 Shaunti Feldhahn has a graduate degree from Harvard, is an avid social researcher, does speaking engagements, and has written over 20 books. She utilizes her research to present data in her works to provide the much needed context to the picture we tend to see generalized in other works. In For Women Only and the counterpart she co-authored with her husband Jeff, For Men Only, she does just that.
My wife and I both really enjoyed these books. We are not your “average” couple when it comes to gender norms. I tend to be the one wanting to talk through problems and she can be the one that is less emotionally expressive. Because of this, books that take rigid stances on “what your wife will do” and “what your husband will do” not only leave me irritated on a personal level, but on a systemic level as well. I honestly believe books like that can do damage, but that is a breakdown for another post. What really impressed me with these books is the way she broke it down to give a significantly more clear picture of how women and men may respond or think about certain situations. There is very little opinion in this book. They surveyed a large group of men and women, asked them a variety of questions, and presented the results. Because of this, you are not reading “Your spouse thinks this…” but instead “If this is your spouse, they agree with 60% of the women we surveyed…”. This was such a relief to me. It helps us understand, your spouse may not fit into these boxes every thinks they will, but they are not completely alone. I would say these books can be helpful at any point in your relationship, but maybe more so in the early years. These can be really good for couples considering marriage, that are engaged, or may be having a tough time getting used to small differences that add up. In some cases, these frustrations cover up a larger issue. In these situations, you may seek out therapy or read something like Created for Connection or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. If that is not the case, these can be great. One way to go through these books as a couple is by reading the one about yourself first and highlighting things that line up with you and marking out things that do not apply. Then you and your partner trade books and have a clear guide on how the other one perceives themselves.
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 Gary Thomas is most known as an author and a speaker. He has written over 20 books, countless articles, and has a Master’s degree in Systematic Theology. This is reflected in the depth of his books on marriage. Sacred Marriage is one of the deepest books I have read by a Christian author. Many books attempt to take a one-size-fits-all approach that focuses on changing specific behaviors. This may be helpful in some cases, but it does not always have a lasting impact. Sacred Marriage goes 20,000 leagues deep on what marriage means to the one who created it, things we can expect in different areas, and the theological understanding for why marriage can be so difficult. Will this book give you 5 ways to love your spouse better? Not necessarily. However, it very well may change your perspective so that you end up loving your spouse better and putting more intention into your relationship with your spouse.
One of the key points of Sacred Marriage changed the way I conceptualize love. It has always been easy for me to think about the movie version of love. Things are new and refreshing, you laugh on dates together, you enjoy different activities together, in the movies there is a moment of tension, but a conversation always provides understanding and they are incredibly happy afterward. Sometimes if there is tension or turmoil in the marriage, we can think we made a wrong choice. There are a lot of people out there! Maybe I chose the wrong one? I can see why people might think this, but here is another option. Every marriage is formed by two different people, with two different personalities, family backgrounds, relationship history, likes, dislikes, wounded areas of their heart, hopes, dreams, ideas of roles in marriage, ideas of being respected and loved, and on and on. The reality is whoever we marry, we will find challenges to overcome. From a theological standpoint, Thomas suggests this thing we are experiencing is called sanctification. In simpler terms, God is using our spouse to show the areas of our hearts that do not look like Him. That is painful. Secondly, Thomas suggests you can cheat on your spouse without looking at another person with lust or engaging in an extramarital relationship. He takes the stance that when things take priority over our spouse that should not, we are essentially cheating on them. This may sound extreme, but from my perspective I see it all the time. A wife feels lonely because her husband stays at work after hours to hangout with friends on a nightly basis. A husband feels rejected because his wife will not make time for a date night, but refuses to miss other events on her social calendar. Nearly everything can be overvalued if the marriage is not intentionally guarded. One of the biggest takeaways that impacted me is how Thomas describes the Imago Dei. The Imago Dei means “made in the image of God”. Men and women are both made in the image of God, yet we very frequently have differences. Some of these differences seem incredibly difficult to navigate in the context of a relationship. Thomas makes the point that these gender differences are good things, but can feel like impossible barriers. One I often hear is that men are not emotional and they do not have the capacity to be so. We may not have the language to express our emotions the way the fairer sex does, but we experience them all the same. This difference, and learning to navigate it within the context of a safe relationship, can help us change into a different, more rounded version of ourselves. This is a book to wrestle with. If both couples are readers, it is a great one to slowly go through taking notes and discussing. It is not explicitly trying to give marriage advice, but many books that take that approach fail. Relationships are not so simplistic. I highly encourage you to check this one out.  However well intentioned, many self-help books are based on very specific results to a specific person in specific circumstances. Sometimes these things can be motivating or inspiring. This is all well and good. Where it can be unproductive, or even worse, counterproductive is when this leads to a formula for guaranteed success. We can liken these differences to what the scientific community calls a case study. A case study is a detailed look at one case to get unique details that would be hard to measure with a large population. Case studies do not produce forms of treatment. Experimental research is what is more helpful in this regard. For example, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has specific steps that EFT therapists around the globe are trained in and replicate. The outcome studies are valuable because the same thing has been done with couples of different ages, races, location, amount of kids, etc and has found lasting success. This is very different from a couple telling you their unique story and then telling you what to do.
Many self help books are not written by people with education in an area or professional experience in the domain of their writing. This does not mean none of them have anything valuable to say, but this does mean we have an unbelievably oversaturated market that may have some nuggets of truth dispersed throughout a very deep ocean. An alternative to this, would be finding someone that is actually practicing in their field. We wrote a review on Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. It's a, respectfully, horrendous book on relationships that is often rated highly by your average person. You know what he is not? A marriage therapist. Nor are his degrees. Completely unrelated to marriage therapy. He is simply a man that made 2 verses in the bible more than what they are intended to be, took other scripture out of context to support his message, and was effective at marketing. Some communicators are great at tickling ears. They can write things in such a way that they can make us believe in a different future. There are far too many variables that can keep this from working though. Here are some things that can help navigate these types of books:
 Dr. Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect, has a doctorate in Child and Family Ecology, was a lead pastor, provided pastoral counseling, and is the President of Love and Respect Ministries. His technique primarily focuses on improving communication skills. He essentially takes the stance most marriages can be improved if the wives respect their husbands more and husbands loved their wives better. He presents it in a “one-size fits all” approach.
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