 If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously.
0 Comments
 Since 2005, depression rates among adults in the US have nearly doubled. Since 1999, suicide rates have risen by 24%. While rates vary among ethnicities and ages, the rise is the same. Reasons vary among researchers as to why this is happening, but a common factor is unsatisfactory income. However, if you make minimum wage in America and work full-time, you are richer than 92% of the world. With that income, why are we so depressed?
Now before you stop reading, this is not a political post. It just begs the question: If we have our freedom, high wages relative to the rest of the world, and a culture that puts our individual happiness above all else, why are people so unhappy they are choosing to end their lives? In Stumbling Upon Happiness, Dan Gilbert states happiness increases very little after you make $50,000 annually. Obviously there are benefits to earning more, but it does not impact happiness because we expect too much of what it will bring us. Considering celebrities are not immune to suicide-this makes sense. However, there is a way that money can bring happiness: giving it away to benefit others. We do not have to have money to experience this though. We can also give away time. People who volunteer tend to find themselves happier than those who do not, they feel more connected to others with whom they share a common goal. This can result from any number of things. Working together to build a house for someone, serving food at a soup kitchen, or mentoring others are some examples. I wonder about this connection piece though. Are we not more connected now than ever before? We have social media! I can always see what people are cooking or feeling or buying, what more do I need? “Social media” may be a misnomer though. Have you ever had a real moment of connection via social media? There is a difference between texting and sending memes to someone and taking the time to connect with them face to face. The more we learn about social media, the more information we have about the negative effects. There is actually a connection between how many social apps people use and how high they rate symptoms of depression. There is also a connection between depression and people having more friends on social media. This does not necessarily mean social media is the culprit, but it does seem to be related. If people are more tied to social media are they still investing in relationships in-person? This may be a determining factor. I wonder if we have placed too much emphasis on individual happiness to the degree that we will not put up with things that bring real happiness, that can bring us pure joy. Relationships, whether it be with friends, family members, or romantic partners, will occasionally cause us to be uncomfortable. They impede on our momentary happiness. If we are willing to work through this conflict it can make our relationship more meaningful. This does not mean we will see eye to eye on everything, but we could be able to respect differences of opinion. Not being able to be comfortable with these differences is actually a sign of boundaries that may need to be restructured. There is a family therapist that would call this enmeshment. Meaning our boundaries are so unhealthy, we are uncomfortable with others disagreeing with us. If we are able to have these more clear boundaries, we can be friends with people we disagree with. Does having a social support system really make a difference though? Let’s look at veterans to understand the need for deeper social support. The military spends so many weeks in basic training together. They get reprimanded together, eat together, sleep in close quarters, and support each other to overcome the mental barriers to their physical challenges. They spend an incredible amount of time in community. Did you know 50% of them come back with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? This is something people obtain when they suffer traumatic events. It is easy to assume that this is due to war, but something does not add up. Only 10% of those veterans actually experience live warfare. Sebastian Junger suggests that the remaining 40% is traumatized by something else: our lonely society. Maybe veterans are hit so hard when they come home because they know what it is like to experience being in a unit and supported by people and experience the society that makes people who have never had an experience like that depressed. People are lonely. Not just some people, but nearly half of the population reports feeling alone despite the ease of connection we have with 21st century technology. We need people with us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We need people to walk alongside us when things are hard. Life is filled with challenges. Having people you can be real with when you are struggling can make things much more bearable. Maybe this post does not really relate to you directly. If anything, I hope it creates some awareness towards those in your life that may be overcome with loneliness. If you think you could stand to increase your social support, here are some practical ideas:
|
Archives
May 2024
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed