 Divorce. The word alone can end an argument. Even used out of anger or just to end a fight, sometimes the suggestion can be so hurtful the actual result is divorce. For one spouse it can be a word that can be tossed out as a sign the fight needs to stop while another spouse can take it as the end of the marriage. An unforgivable word. This word can carry a lot of pain. In some cases, pain that has never been broached. This is exactly why couples that are considering marriage need to have this conversation openly and explicitly. Would divorce ever be an option for you?
My wife and I used to do premarital counseling at our old church. We always made a point to ask couples about their views on divorce. Many couples seemed shocked by the question-some assume premarital counseling should focus on the positives. The problem is if the discussion is not had assumptions are made. Then you can end up in a situation where one spouse, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to stop the conversation, throws out a comment about ending the marriage. What could be a parachute for one can be a free-fall for their partner. Then they crash land into irreparable damage. One view that has arisen in the past decade or so is the idea of a starter marriage. The belief is that you need a practice marriage prior to a “real” marriage. So you get married with the plan of getting divorced when things get hard. Rather than preventing divorce it assumes it as in impossibility. Spoiler alert: This does not make you more prepared for a successful marriage. One of the greatest factors for success in marriage counseling is the level of commitment. On the other hand the more marriages you have had the higher probability of divorce. With this information we can predict Starter Marriages prepare us to end our future marriages as well. One of the huge benefits of talking about it beforehand is it can give you great confidence and motivation in the midst of an argument. Confidence because you know as bad as it is your partner is not going to abandon you. Motivation because you will take seriously finding help and doing what is necessary to work on the relationship. On average, couples wait 7 years of being unsatisfied with their marriage before seeking help. If this sounds like a dumb idea, chances are many other conversations that need to be had are also being ignored. This is setting yourself up for failure. Challenging goals must be planned out. Marriage is similar in that matter. Avoiding tough conversations only makes you ill prepared.
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 “What brings you guys in?” is one of my favorite questions to ask when I am seeing a new couple. It tells me a few different things. The first layer is obvious-infidelity, communication, finances, or any other number of things people face in a relationship. The next is a term created by Dr. John Gottman of “we-ness”. There is a difference between a couple that says “We have trouble communicating” vs. “They don’t listen to me”. The first statement shows some sort of ownership on both ends. We could break it down to “I have difficulty saying things in a way where I feel heard and they have difficulty not getting defensive.” The other one says “They need to change for this relationship to work.” What the presence or lack of we-ness shows me is a piece of the dynamic that plays out with a couple.
There are different schools of thought in the world of psychotherapy. A core belief in what would be the philosophical view of family therapy is that we need to change the dynamic more than a symptom. If someone has been struggling with depression and they do not feel secure in their marriage, there is a realistic possibility that marriage therapy is more what they need than individual therapy. If we were to compare it to a physical illness, this could be like treating a cough when someone has the flu. The cough might subside, but the reason for the cough is still there and it will likely return if not treated. Marriage therapy can actually address many of these symptoms in ways we may not expect. In some cases, it can impact depression, anxiety, or even trauma. *Trauma often needs specialization, but couples therapy can help as well. In our culture, commitment is not quite as expected in a marriage as it was a few decades ago. The view of marriage itself has changed in many other ways, but there is certainly something to be gained from commitment. There have been and continue to be times when someone has stayed in what we would now consider an abusive or manipulative relationship due to cultural values. However, one extreme for another may not be the answer either. In any marriage, there will be challenges. Going through these things and supporting each other through them strengthen a marriage. In some cases, these are things that are out of our control. In other cases, they are things where loving someone requires loving them when they are not at their best. This creates secure connection. If we take the idea of we-ness and apply it to the challenges in our relationships it may change our approach. This can have couples go to therapy with more of a mindset of overcoming challenges together rather than trying to change their partner. One thing that seems to be a barrier when couples come in is when one of them has taken it upon themselves to diagnose their spouse. This is not helpful. It usually leaves one person feeling even more disconnected from their spouse. It can create an identity for their spouse that ends up needing to be shed. This may seem hard to avoid, but here are some tips to consider:
 Shaunti Feldhahn has a graduate degree from Harvard, is an avid social researcher, does speaking engagements, and has written over 20 books. She utilizes her research to present data in her works to provide the much needed context to the picture we tend to see generalized in other works. In For Women Only and the counterpart she co-authored with her husband Jeff, For Men Only, she does just that.
My wife and I both really enjoyed these books. We are not your “average” couple when it comes to gender norms. I tend to be the one wanting to talk through problems and she can be the one that is less emotionally expressive. Because of this, books that take rigid stances on “what your wife will do” and “what your husband will do” not only leave me irritated on a personal level, but on a systemic level as well. I honestly believe books like that can do damage, but that is a breakdown for another post. What really impressed me with these books is the way she broke it down to give a significantly more clear picture of how women and men may respond or think about certain situations. There is very little opinion in this book. They surveyed a large group of men and women, asked them a variety of questions, and presented the results. Because of this, you are not reading “Your spouse thinks this…” but instead “If this is your spouse, they agree with 60% of the women we surveyed…”. This was such a relief to me. It helps us understand, your spouse may not fit into these boxes every thinks they will, but they are not completely alone. I would say these books can be helpful at any point in your relationship, but maybe more so in the early years. These can be really good for couples considering marriage, that are engaged, or may be having a tough time getting used to small differences that add up. In some cases, these frustrations cover up a larger issue. In these situations, you may seek out therapy or read something like Created for Connection or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. If that is not the case, these can be great. One way to go through these books as a couple is by reading the one about yourself first and highlighting things that line up with you and marking out things that do not apply. Then you and your partner trade books and have a clear guide on how the other one perceives themselves.  If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously.  Gary Thomas is most known as an author and a speaker. He has written over 20 books, countless articles, and has a Master’s degree in Systematic Theology. This is reflected in the depth of his books on marriage. Sacred Marriage is one of the deepest books I have read by a Christian author. Many books attempt to take a one-size-fits-all approach that focuses on changing specific behaviors. This may be helpful in some cases, but it does not always have a lasting impact. Sacred Marriage goes 20,000 leagues deep on what marriage means to the one who created it, things we can expect in different areas, and the theological understanding for why marriage can be so difficult. Will this book give you 5 ways to love your spouse better? Not necessarily. However, it very well may change your perspective so that you end up loving your spouse better and putting more intention into your relationship with your spouse.
One of the key points of Sacred Marriage changed the way I conceptualize love. It has always been easy for me to think about the movie version of love. Things are new and refreshing, you laugh on dates together, you enjoy different activities together, in the movies there is a moment of tension, but a conversation always provides understanding and they are incredibly happy afterward. Sometimes if there is tension or turmoil in the marriage, we can think we made a wrong choice. There are a lot of people out there! Maybe I chose the wrong one? I can see why people might think this, but here is another option. Every marriage is formed by two different people, with two different personalities, family backgrounds, relationship history, likes, dislikes, wounded areas of their heart, hopes, dreams, ideas of roles in marriage, ideas of being respected and loved, and on and on. The reality is whoever we marry, we will find challenges to overcome. From a theological standpoint, Thomas suggests this thing we are experiencing is called sanctification. In simpler terms, God is using our spouse to show the areas of our hearts that do not look like Him. That is painful. Secondly, Thomas suggests you can cheat on your spouse without looking at another person with lust or engaging in an extramarital relationship. He takes the stance that when things take priority over our spouse that should not, we are essentially cheating on them. This may sound extreme, but from my perspective I see it all the time. A wife feels lonely because her husband stays at work after hours to hangout with friends on a nightly basis. A husband feels rejected because his wife will not make time for a date night, but refuses to miss other events on her social calendar. Nearly everything can be overvalued if the marriage is not intentionally guarded. One of the biggest takeaways that impacted me is how Thomas describes the Imago Dei. The Imago Dei means “made in the image of God”. Men and women are both made in the image of God, yet we very frequently have differences. Some of these differences seem incredibly difficult to navigate in the context of a relationship. Thomas makes the point that these gender differences are good things, but can feel like impossible barriers. One I often hear is that men are not emotional and they do not have the capacity to be so. We may not have the language to express our emotions the way the fairer sex does, but we experience them all the same. This difference, and learning to navigate it within the context of a safe relationship, can help us change into a different, more rounded version of ourselves. This is a book to wrestle with. If both couples are readers, it is a great one to slowly go through taking notes and discussing. It is not explicitly trying to give marriage advice, but many books that take that approach fail. Relationships are not so simplistic. I highly encourage you to check this one out.  We know that every relationship looks different because every person is different with their own set of values and boundaries. This is why relationships can be so eye-opening because we all have our own personal agendas when entering into a relationship.
An interesting topic that has been trending is one of Relationship Agreements or Relationship Contracts. This a type of legal document that two people can agree on before entering into a significant relationship or even marriage. The famous Mark Zuckerburg reportedly has a Relationship Contract based upon a request from his wife detailing what she should expect after she moved across the country to be with him. Apparently this is quite the trend in Europe and for people over the age of 45 who have been divorced. The idea of a ‘Relationship Contract’ sounds a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t two people be able to just talk about what matters? Do two people really need to have a physical document stating expectations? The answer I have found is: maybe. My husband and I have a few things that we have verbally agreed to before and after our marriage ceremony. We have things that we both value that we want to ensure we continue to have throughout our relationship. For some people, maybe a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Maybe having a physical representation of agreed upon ideals is needed to keep the relationship healthy. These are the things that my husband and I have come to agree upon for our relationship. Like I stated earlier, each relationship is unique with its own shared values and ideals. These are just a few things that work for my relationship which may or not work for yours as well. Agreements We do not see divorce as an answer to our problems. This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people and we are not judging anyone who has taken the course of divorce. My husband and I believe there is a time when divorce may be the only answer for some people. However divorce should not be the answer to trivial unhappiness. There is usually a way to work through the daily stuff in order to remain good enough together. The effect of us never ending an argument with the threat of leaving helps us fight for a better relationship. We do not bad mouth each other, this includes complaining. Media portrays serious relationships as something that people are never fully satisfied in. We all have our quirks that our SO (significant other) puts up with, we all get mad, or upset over things he/she does. But here’s the thing: complaining about these things, bad mouthing your SO in public, will never help! Once you begin having that ‘complaint session’ with other people, that little irritation is fed and all of a sudden, you have lost control of the situation. We do promise to always have a date night. Now people hear ‘date night’ and think: “we have kids”, “who has money for that”, or “who has time for that”. When it comes to ‘date night’ what we strive for is intentional time together; meaning no technology, just the two of us doing something. We play games, eat a meal, have coffee, literally any time spent away from technology can do a relationship wonders. We have recently discovered ‘Happily: Date Night Boxes’ which have been an easy way for us to spend time together (especially with us not wanting to go out during a pandemic). Look for our post on reviewing our date night boxes! We do promise to support each other in all that we do. My husband and I both worked full time and attended online graduate programs for the first three years of our marriage. It was not easy and it was not always pretty. The struggle was real, the tears, the heartache, the constant state of frenzy was something that we struggled through together. The unconditional support we share has impacted our relationship for the better. Without supporting each other, this ship would have sank in that first year of marriage. So, when you consider your relationships (current or future), we hope that you can keep these things in mind. Our relationships are choices we make and things that we have some control over. Every relationship requires work, commitment, and agreement on what is allowed by both people involved. Relationships are never perfect, we will never be perfect but we can work on being good enough for each other.  This musical production is fantastic! If you haven't seen it, you should, ASAP!
After watching for the hundredth time, I started to look past the inspiring lyrics, the fabulous costumes, the great choreography into what the storyline and characters are truly about. That is what this post is really about: when you are not distracted by the lights and dynamic scenes, there are some great lessons that we can use to help our kids, teens, and ourselves understand some important life lessons. 1. Diversity This story creates beauty out of many different types of people. Our society is often caught up in their appearances and judge others based on clothes, accessories, or money, without thinking about the person behind the looks. It is easy to be distracted by the outside layer and difficult to not make snap judgements about someone but we miss out on so much when we allow our own prejudices to take over. The Greatest Showman shows how one person being willing to accept those who look different created a family that is able to love and support each other in way their biological families did not. To be an example to others, we have to start by checking our own prejudices and truly consider how we perceive and act around people everyday. 2. Dare to dream Too often it is easy to tell ourselves, and others, that dreams are not possible. We are quick to list all the reasons a dream would be too hard to achieve or list all the obstacles. What would happen if we allowed ourselves the room to truly explore dreams? The Greatest Showman tells a story about a man who went from being broke to making more than enough. It takes hard work, making a plan, and setting goals but it is not impossible to ever achieve creating something out of nothing. We should encourage dreaming big, help others achieve their dreams or give ourselves room to achieve our own dreams. Achieving a dream means nothing if the startup and success goes unsupported or unappreciated by others. Let’s begin to help those in our lives set goals and create the plan that can lead them to seeing that dream actualized. 3. Facing adversity together We have all had those days; those days when it feels like the whole world is against us, when we feel tired, overworked, and unappreciated. Life is is a constant state of change and it is easy to become overly connected to everything that is happening in the world around us. The Greatest Showman created a world where a group of diverse people are not accepted and become ignored by the one person that brought them together. What gets them through their struggle to gain acceptance of themselves and their world, is the support they gain from each other. Sharing the burden by showing up and never wavering, never judging is a way to show our support to anyone who is facing adversity in our world. Now, I know that not everyone has been obsessed with The Greatest Showman the way some of us have been, but we cannot deny that there are lessons that can be shared with our families. I think the point of this film was to share how easy it is to get too caught up in looking a certain way, lose sight of values previously held, and how tempting it is to ignore those who appear too different from ourselves. My hope is that next time you view a film, that you can look past the stage production, past the costumes, and amazing actors to the deeper area behind the characters. Obviously not every film can be taken to deeper places, but if you look for it, you may surprise yourself. Michael Fowler, LMFT
 When I was a kid, I really wanted to play professional basketball. That was my goal until I was in high school and Lebron went straight to the NBA. At that point, it occured to me, I was hopeless. He was just a few years older than me and I was nowhere near that level. Up until that point though, I played all the time. I started out watching. Next, I learned how to shoot and dribble. I picked up on some of the rules by playing NBA ‘95. I learned much more once I joined a team though. I learned more rules. I learned plays. I learned how to work with different players with different skills. I even played select for some time. My grandparents doled out extra cash to give me more tools to achieve my dreams of being in the NBA.
This way of learning is not unique to basketball though, right? There is a learning process to everything. You might shadow someone when you start a new job. If you want to learn a new instrument you might receive lessons or at least spend time with others that play as you try to figure things out. If we work so hard to learn how to play a sport, learn a new skill, or learn an instrument; why wouldn't we apply this concept to marriage? Premarital education significantly reduces the chances of divorce. So much so that the state of Texas offers an incentive program called Twogether in Texas for engaged couples in order to be better prepared for marriage.. This is a great thing! It offers couples a chance to talk about subjects they might not have covered yet, gives them some worksheets that can be used over time, and just helps build a foundation. I think we could take it further though. I think about how much I read about counseling before I actually met with a client face-to-face. Theory without application only goes so deep. It is one of those scenarios where you don’t know what you don’t know. Why don’t we apply the same logic of mentoring to relationships? Marriage mentorship can have a huge impact on a relationship. Everyone’s relationship will vary, but everyone WILL face challenges as a married couple. Marriage mentors can help you work through these issues to some degree, provide encouragement and perspective, and be a third party to help you work through something you are not seeing eye to eye on. Sometimes having someone to just talk to that cares about your marriage and is not just taking sides can give some good clarity on issues blinded by emotions. Maybe you are in a dating relationship, are about to get married, are newly married, or have been married and still know you could benefit from that sort of thing. Often times, people will not just offer a marriage mentorship but would love to help! I had a mentor like this when my wife and I were about to get married who very plainly said something to the effect of, “You and Shelbie should come over for dinner. You don’t have a clue how to manage money. Let me teach you some things.” It was a huge benefit to our young relationship, but he is the only person to be that forward. You could start this process by having a heart to heart with your spouse. Think about the older couples you know in your lives. Whose relationship would you like to have 20 years down the road? Who do you see treat their spouse in a way you have never seen? Invite them to have coffee or dinner and ask them if they would mind sitting down with you and your significant other once a month or so to talk about your relationship. Maybe you are an older couple. Hear this: YOU are desperately needed by the younger generation. You have wisdom to offer. Talk with your spouse about finding a younger couple to mentor. Seek them out. There will likely be times you offer and are turned down. That is okay. When you offer and a couple accepts, it will make the process that much easier because they are likely to be in a state of mind where they realize they need some help. That couple will be much more coachable than one that thinks they have it all figured out and marriage is no different than dating. The view on marriage in America has gone through some up’s and down’s. There are many in my generation that view marriage as the problem, coming from their family of origin that perhaps has been broken in some way. Many couples will cohabitate rather than wed because once it is official, it has the potential to go bad. I have a different view. Relationships are hard. If you could have “broken up” with your parents or siblings and not had to work on the relationship, many would have. Some have. Maybe instead of avoiding marriage, we need new ways to build strong relationships. We are in a revolutionary age where science backs up multiple ways to do this, but all of them take intention. This is the reason why those of us that can, should be willing to step up and be encouraging mentors to those that are growing up behind us and those who know they need mentoring should seek it out. |
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