 Divorce. The word alone can end an argument. Even used out of anger or just to end a fight, sometimes the suggestion can be so hurtful the actual result is divorce. For one spouse it can be a word that can be tossed out as a sign the fight needs to stop while another spouse can take it as the end of the marriage. An unforgivable word. This word can carry a lot of pain. In some cases, pain that has never been broached. This is exactly why couples that are considering marriage need to have this conversation openly and explicitly. Would divorce ever be an option for you?
My wife and I used to do premarital counseling at our old church. We always made a point to ask couples about their views on divorce. Many couples seemed shocked by the question-some assume premarital counseling should focus on the positives. The problem is if the discussion is not had assumptions are made. Then you can end up in a situation where one spouse, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to stop the conversation, throws out a comment about ending the marriage. What could be a parachute for one can be a free-fall for their partner. Then they crash land into irreparable damage. One view that has arisen in the past decade or so is the idea of a starter marriage. The belief is that you need a practice marriage prior to a “real” marriage. So you get married with the plan of getting divorced when things get hard. Rather than preventing divorce it assumes it as in impossibility. Spoiler alert: This does not make you more prepared for a successful marriage. One of the greatest factors for success in marriage counseling is the level of commitment. On the other hand the more marriages you have had the higher probability of divorce. With this information we can predict Starter Marriages prepare us to end our future marriages as well. One of the huge benefits of talking about it beforehand is it can give you great confidence and motivation in the midst of an argument. Confidence because you know as bad as it is your partner is not going to abandon you. Motivation because you will take seriously finding help and doing what is necessary to work on the relationship. On average, couples wait 7 years of being unsatisfied with their marriage before seeking help. If this sounds like a dumb idea, chances are many other conversations that need to be had are also being ignored. This is setting yourself up for failure. Challenging goals must be planned out. Marriage is similar in that matter. Avoiding tough conversations only makes you ill prepared.
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 We know that every relationship looks different because every person is different with their own set of values and boundaries. This is why relationships can be so eye-opening because we all have our own personal agendas when entering into a relationship.
An interesting topic that has been trending is one of Relationship Agreements or Relationship Contracts. This a type of legal document that two people can agree on before entering into a significant relationship or even marriage. The famous Mark Zuckerburg reportedly has a Relationship Contract based upon a request from his wife detailing what she should expect after she moved across the country to be with him. Apparently this is quite the trend in Europe and for people over the age of 45 who have been divorced. The idea of a ‘Relationship Contract’ sounds a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t two people be able to just talk about what matters? Do two people really need to have a physical document stating expectations? The answer I have found is: maybe. My husband and I have a few things that we have verbally agreed to before and after our marriage ceremony. We have things that we both value that we want to ensure we continue to have throughout our relationship. For some people, maybe a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Maybe having a physical representation of agreed upon ideals is needed to keep the relationship healthy. These are the things that my husband and I have come to agree upon for our relationship. Like I stated earlier, each relationship is unique with its own shared values and ideals. These are just a few things that work for my relationship which may or not work for yours as well. Agreements We do not see divorce as an answer to our problems. This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people and we are not judging anyone who has taken the course of divorce. My husband and I believe there is a time when divorce may be the only answer for some people. However divorce should not be the answer to trivial unhappiness. There is usually a way to work through the daily stuff in order to remain good enough together. The effect of us never ending an argument with the threat of leaving helps us fight for a better relationship. We do not bad mouth each other, this includes complaining. Media portrays serious relationships as something that people are never fully satisfied in. We all have our quirks that our SO (significant other) puts up with, we all get mad, or upset over things he/she does. But here’s the thing: complaining about these things, bad mouthing your SO in public, will never help! Once you begin having that ‘complaint session’ with other people, that little irritation is fed and all of a sudden, you have lost control of the situation. We do promise to always have a date night. Now people hear ‘date night’ and think: “we have kids”, “who has money for that”, or “who has time for that”. When it comes to ‘date night’ what we strive for is intentional time together; meaning no technology, just the two of us doing something. We play games, eat a meal, have coffee, literally any time spent away from technology can do a relationship wonders. We have recently discovered ‘Happily: Date Night Boxes’ which have been an easy way for us to spend time together (especially with us not wanting to go out during a pandemic). Look for our post on reviewing our date night boxes! We do promise to support each other in all that we do. My husband and I both worked full time and attended online graduate programs for the first three years of our marriage. It was not easy and it was not always pretty. The struggle was real, the tears, the heartache, the constant state of frenzy was something that we struggled through together. The unconditional support we share has impacted our relationship for the better. Without supporting each other, this ship would have sank in that first year of marriage. So, when you consider your relationships (current or future), we hope that you can keep these things in mind. Our relationships are choices we make and things that we have some control over. Every relationship requires work, commitment, and agreement on what is allowed by both people involved. Relationships are never perfect, we will never be perfect but we can work on being good enough for each other.  Dr. Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect, has a doctorate in Child and Family Ecology, was a lead pastor, provided pastoral counseling, and is the President of Love and Respect Ministries. His technique primarily focuses on improving communication skills. He essentially takes the stance most marriages can be improved if the wives respect their husbands more and husbands loved their wives better. He presents it in a “one-size fits all” approach.
 This musical production is fantastic! If you haven't seen it, you should, ASAP!
After watching for the hundredth time, I started to look past the inspiring lyrics, the fabulous costumes, the great choreography into what the storyline and characters are truly about. That is what this post is really about: when you are not distracted by the lights and dynamic scenes, there are some great lessons that we can use to help our kids, teens, and ourselves understand some important life lessons. 1. Diversity This story creates beauty out of many different types of people. Our society is often caught up in their appearances and judge others based on clothes, accessories, or money, without thinking about the person behind the looks. It is easy to be distracted by the outside layer and difficult to not make snap judgements about someone but we miss out on so much when we allow our own prejudices to take over. The Greatest Showman shows how one person being willing to accept those who look different created a family that is able to love and support each other in way their biological families did not. To be an example to others, we have to start by checking our own prejudices and truly consider how we perceive and act around people everyday. 2. Dare to dream Too often it is easy to tell ourselves, and others, that dreams are not possible. We are quick to list all the reasons a dream would be too hard to achieve or list all the obstacles. What would happen if we allowed ourselves the room to truly explore dreams? The Greatest Showman tells a story about a man who went from being broke to making more than enough. It takes hard work, making a plan, and setting goals but it is not impossible to ever achieve creating something out of nothing. We should encourage dreaming big, help others achieve their dreams or give ourselves room to achieve our own dreams. Achieving a dream means nothing if the startup and success goes unsupported or unappreciated by others. Let’s begin to help those in our lives set goals and create the plan that can lead them to seeing that dream actualized. 3. Facing adversity together We have all had those days; those days when it feels like the whole world is against us, when we feel tired, overworked, and unappreciated. Life is is a constant state of change and it is easy to become overly connected to everything that is happening in the world around us. The Greatest Showman created a world where a group of diverse people are not accepted and become ignored by the one person that brought them together. What gets them through their struggle to gain acceptance of themselves and their world, is the support they gain from each other. Sharing the burden by showing up and never wavering, never judging is a way to show our support to anyone who is facing adversity in our world. Now, I know that not everyone has been obsessed with The Greatest Showman the way some of us have been, but we cannot deny that there are lessons that can be shared with our families. I think the point of this film was to share how easy it is to get too caught up in looking a certain way, lose sight of values previously held, and how tempting it is to ignore those who appear too different from ourselves. My hope is that next time you view a film, that you can look past the stage production, past the costumes, and amazing actors to the deeper area behind the characters. Obviously not every film can be taken to deeper places, but if you look for it, you may surprise yourself.  The topic of failure brings up lots of feelings. People often assume that failure is not an option, like we are all capable of choosing to fail or not to fail. Being afraid to fail is a little like being afraid to step out the door in the morning; everyday comes no matter how prepared you are just like failure is inevitable no matter how prepared you are for the day ahead.This pressure to never fail is, in a way, a failure. Not just to ourselves but to those around us.
Failing has always been a struggle of mine. I used to desperately cling to being perfect and doing everything I could to ensure that I would never fail at school, at dance, in a job, in relationships. Let me tell you: it is an exhausting way of living. When I finally accepted that I am not perfect, that I will fail many times in my life, and that I do things wrong; life got a little easier. I truly believe that learning how to fail is an important life lesson. When something is inevitable, isn’t it best to learn how to handle it head on rather than hide from it? There is a way to accept failure and a way to move past that failure. Not just for ourselves but for those around us, because we not only fail ourselves but occasionally others. It seems that so few of us have learned this lesson which can make it difficult to accept failure in those around us. Let me tell you the lesson learned here is grace. Grace is the reason we are capable of accepting failure and how we can move past failure. When we remember that everyone fails and that we are made imperfectly, it is much easier to fail with grace rather than fail with a temper. This is a lesson that should be past on to our children. Learning graceful failure as a child is easier than to live our lives trying to be perfect until we run out of steam. Children are so resilient and capable of bearing more than they are given credit for. They learn from the adults in their lives what is acceptable and what is not. If a child is told over and over that failure is not an option, they learn to live in a constant state of anxiety. On the flipside, if a child is taught that they will be shown grace when failing, then they will learn to show grace to themselves and others. I pray that this philosophy of expecting and accepting failure in life will trickle down to our children and influence others in our lives. Teaching children how to fail with grace is not something that many people think about, I know I never did until I noticed how hard some kids take it when they fail. Especially with our new age philosophy of allowing every child to ‘win’ in sporting events. This idea of everyone winning only leads to disappointment in later life because we can’t all win all the time. But win children are given the opportunity to fail, they are being shown that it happens. Everyone loses. Everyone fails. Everyone also recovers, moves on, and learns from their mistakes. Failure is always an option, sometimes an inevitable option that can’t be helped. As fall approaches and schedules get loaded up with games, competitions, tests, and other activities let us remember grace. Grace in failure for ourselves, for our children, and for everyone else in our lives. Michael Fowler, LMFT
 When I was a kid, I really wanted to play professional basketball. That was my goal until I was in high school and Lebron went straight to the NBA. At that point, it occured to me, I was hopeless. He was just a few years older than me and I was nowhere near that level. Up until that point though, I played all the time. I started out watching. Next, I learned how to shoot and dribble. I picked up on some of the rules by playing NBA ‘95. I learned much more once I joined a team though. I learned more rules. I learned plays. I learned how to work with different players with different skills. I even played select for some time. My grandparents doled out extra cash to give me more tools to achieve my dreams of being in the NBA.
This way of learning is not unique to basketball though, right? There is a learning process to everything. You might shadow someone when you start a new job. If you want to learn a new instrument you might receive lessons or at least spend time with others that play as you try to figure things out. If we work so hard to learn how to play a sport, learn a new skill, or learn an instrument; why wouldn't we apply this concept to marriage? Premarital education significantly reduces the chances of divorce. So much so that the state of Texas offers an incentive program called Twogether in Texas for engaged couples in order to be better prepared for marriage.. This is a great thing! It offers couples a chance to talk about subjects they might not have covered yet, gives them some worksheets that can be used over time, and just helps build a foundation. I think we could take it further though. I think about how much I read about counseling before I actually met with a client face-to-face. Theory without application only goes so deep. It is one of those scenarios where you don’t know what you don’t know. Why don’t we apply the same logic of mentoring to relationships? Marriage mentorship can have a huge impact on a relationship. Everyone’s relationship will vary, but everyone WILL face challenges as a married couple. Marriage mentors can help you work through these issues to some degree, provide encouragement and perspective, and be a third party to help you work through something you are not seeing eye to eye on. Sometimes having someone to just talk to that cares about your marriage and is not just taking sides can give some good clarity on issues blinded by emotions. Maybe you are in a dating relationship, are about to get married, are newly married, or have been married and still know you could benefit from that sort of thing. Often times, people will not just offer a marriage mentorship but would love to help! I had a mentor like this when my wife and I were about to get married who very plainly said something to the effect of, “You and Shelbie should come over for dinner. You don’t have a clue how to manage money. Let me teach you some things.” It was a huge benefit to our young relationship, but he is the only person to be that forward. You could start this process by having a heart to heart with your spouse. Think about the older couples you know in your lives. Whose relationship would you like to have 20 years down the road? Who do you see treat their spouse in a way you have never seen? Invite them to have coffee or dinner and ask them if they would mind sitting down with you and your significant other once a month or so to talk about your relationship. Maybe you are an older couple. Hear this: YOU are desperately needed by the younger generation. You have wisdom to offer. Talk with your spouse about finding a younger couple to mentor. Seek them out. There will likely be times you offer and are turned down. That is okay. When you offer and a couple accepts, it will make the process that much easier because they are likely to be in a state of mind where they realize they need some help. That couple will be much more coachable than one that thinks they have it all figured out and marriage is no different than dating. The view on marriage in America has gone through some up’s and down’s. There are many in my generation that view marriage as the problem, coming from their family of origin that perhaps has been broken in some way. Many couples will cohabitate rather than wed because once it is official, it has the potential to go bad. I have a different view. Relationships are hard. If you could have “broken up” with your parents or siblings and not had to work on the relationship, many would have. Some have. Maybe instead of avoiding marriage, we need new ways to build strong relationships. We are in a revolutionary age where science backs up multiple ways to do this, but all of them take intention. This is the reason why those of us that can, should be willing to step up and be encouraging mentors to those that are growing up behind us and those who know they need mentoring should seek it out. Michael Fowler, LMFT
 In the past few years, I’ve seen the term “self-care” floating around on social media. It’s usually attached to a meme about quitting your job or eating pizza or ‘Netflix and chill’. I really hope those memes are exaggerations and just jokes but I want to answer the question: What is self-care?
You could liken self-care to basic maintenance or upkeep. Let’s consider our cars. Hopefully, you take steps to keep your car running well by getting oil changes, putting gas in, and changing filters or parts as needed. We need to take care of these things so that they can serve their function. Do we show ourselves that same courtesy? Sure some of us get to take vacations every now and then, but do you take time in between vacations in order to keep everything running smoothly in your life? Self-care is intentional time taken to keep yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy in order to be able to strive towards your full potential. It should be a time where you feel refreshed afterwards-revitalized-ready to face the next thing in life, whatever it may be. You need to take an honest assessment of your “hobbies” and determine if you need to branch out. If your ‘hobby’ is Netflix or video games, and you feel deflated/gloomy afterwards, you may need to find something that gives you a sense of accomplishment. This looks differently for everyone. I tend to cycle between gaming, reading, and working out. My wife likes to read, get her nails done, do yoga, or deep clean our apartment. All of these things are helpful to us depending on the season we’re in or the time we have available to dedicate to our self-care. After reading the definition of self-care, most of you probably fall into one of two categories: You are either confident you have destressing hobbies and take part in self-care regularly or you feel like you are too busy to have the luxury of self-care. If you fall into the latter, you might be thinking you don’t have time for self-care or that self-care sounds selfish Consider the car analogy: our cars are in need of routine care otherwise things can go bad very quickly. We could end up broke down on the side of the road without a way to get to our next destination. People are a lot like a car: we need routine self-care in order to avoid having breakdowns and getting stuck in a bad place. When we neglect relationships, jobs, school work, health, kids, things go can go wrong. Our relationships deteriorate, we get fired, fail, get sick, miss out on fun; we simply lose out on life. These are reasons why self-care is not synonymous with selfish. We all need to find a way to balance the many tasks in life that can break us down if we neglect our own personal cares. I wholeheartedly believe you are busy. I also believe that if you take time to take care of yourself you will be better equipped to take care of your responsibilities. Self-care doesn’t have to be a week vacation or an entire day; it just needs to be revitalizing so you can continue to carry on down the road, no matter how rocky it may get. Here’s 3 steps to help you move forward with your self-care:
Shelbie Fowler, M.S.
 When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind.- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer Before the holidays began this year, a new movie called Wonder premiered based on a book of the same title written by R.J. Palacio. This is a story about a middle-school boy named Auggie who has a facial deformity and struggles to learn to trust new friends as he begins his journey in a public school setting. He is bullied, shamed, and loses a bit of his child-like trust on this journey. More importantly though, Wonder reveals through several narrators how one act of kindness by one person can make ripples throughout an entire student population. This story really left me wondering about the way I treated my peers growing up and even now. I have asked myself have I chosen kind over being right? The answer is: not always. R.J. Palacio wrote this story after her own child had an encounter with a girl with a facial deformity and her response was to remove her crying toddler and leave. Since that moment, she has felt guilty and angry about her actions. Why? Because she missed out on an opportunity to show her child how to react in kindness. She missed out on a moment to teach her child that just because someone looks different from us, our first response should never be to run away, even though that is often easier. We should choose kindness even in uncomfortable moments. The interesting part about how she tells the story of Wonder is that it is based on the children’s perspectives. The adults are shown through the eyes of their children which helps us understand a little more about what is being modeled in their homes. The bully in this story is shown with his parents one time and that one moment is enough insight for us to see that he has only be told that he is never good enough. We see how a friend’s home life is nothing but a mother who drinks and is never there to support her. This friend ends up lying all the time and distancing herself from what she sees as a ‘perfect family’. These are teaching moments for how quick we are to judge others, to be right, to justify our actions but we are often slow to choose kindness. Wonder does an excellent job of setting up how our negative reactions can bring another person down. As Auggie (main character) struggles to cope with overtly negative interactions, he becomes distant, sad, and disinterested in things he enjoys. The thing that begins to positively change him slowly is when one person makes a choice to sit with him at lunch. That’s it. One person showed up and started a ripple effect. I know it may seem like a fantastical set up, that only one person can have an impact, but according to relationship experts, multiple positive interactions with one person can actually make up for negative interactions. The magical ratio for positive to negative interactions is 5:1 and was originally developed by John Gottman. This ratio means that for every 1 negative interaction, it takes 5 positive interactions to overcome that 1 negative moment. How powerful is it that to overcome one negative comment we need five positive comments to feel better? Our human nature calls for us to need positive interactions on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level in order to thrive. Otherwise we simply struggle to cope as Auggie does in Wonder. I have no doubt that we can all remember a person who has hurt us and never made up for it in some way, those memories are more prominent because we need positivity to continue on. One moment of kindness changes everything within us. Our children and teenagers are especially primed to be shown how to be kind, what steps it takes to stand up to for themselves or for others, and the majority want to do what is kind but maybe intimidated. There are some simple steps we can all take to make the world a little more kind. One step Wonder talks about is using ‘precepts’ (which are words to live by) they’re kind of like life quotes that reflect a person's values. I think the easiest step to take in making a decision to be kind is to choose our own precept and then encourage teens to find theirs. R.J. Palacio even wrote a companion book to Wonder all about precepts because she believes it is important enough for everyone to understand how our thoughts speak into our words and our words are turned into actions. A second step is simply to model what it looks like to be kind to others. Adults can use uncomfortable moments to act in a kind manner to those who may look different or act differently from themselves. We can do this by starting a conversation, by offering a helping hand, by simply not staring or running away. These acts are simple by definition but can cause major ripples when acted upon. One more thing we can do to choose kind is to be sure that we are speaking kindly of all those in our lives. Words are powerful things that are used to tear people down to nothing or that are used to build people up to their fullest potential. When we actively choose to use kind words on a daily basis, our perceptions can begin to shift to become more positive which leads to more positive interactions. I hope that we all can work on creating those five positive interactions with the people in our lives in order to help them overcome any negative interactions they may have had. It only takes one person creating one interaction to change another person’s life for the better. Let us be the ones to create a more kind world. Shelbie Fowler, M.S.
 Parenting is often described as one of the best, most stressful jobs that a person can take on in this life. While becoming a parent may not always be a decision that is planned, it is an incredible responsibility that comes with a new set of rules, and the need to constantly be “on”. So, what happens when parents go from being ‘on’ top of things, to just being ‘on’ their phone maybe a little too often?
The term for this phenomenon is: Distracted Parenting. You may not have heard this term before but I am willing to bet you have seen it. At a restaurant, an entire family on their phones not even making eye contact. At the park when a child is behaving in a way that would likely be corrected if their parent was not on the bench completely immersed in their phone. At an event and that one kid is running out of the door with no adult present and you think “Where is the adult?!”. These situations are too commonplace and have caused concern among pediatricians. The American Pediatrics Association recently revealed that more children are being treated for more severe injuries from playground accidents than in the past. They asked why this is occurring when the playground equipment is actually the safest it’s been in decades. The answer they found is Distracted Parenting. Parents were observed at playgrounds where they looked at their phones, talked to each other, and did ‘other things’ more often than they looked at their child. These distracted parents gave their children the perfect opportunity to take risks that could otherwise be prevented such as throwing sand, climbing up the slide, or jumping from large heights. Some children take risks even when the parent is paying attention so it is not hard to imagine what those children do when they realize no one is watching! Not only is there potential for physical harm when distracted parenting happens, it can also be emotionally damaging if a child or teen feels that their parent is too busy to talk or participate with them. Too often parents are sharing that perfect Instagram pic of their kid going down the slide rather than going down with them. Too often parents are more interested in posting about their “family” dinner rather than participating in a conversation at the table. Too often it is easier to get distracted by the latest trending Tweets rather than the interests of a child. These actions in place of making eye-contact, engaging in conversation, and actively participating in play can leave a child wondering what they need to do to regain the attention of their parent(s). An article on Psychology Today shares that being distracted as a parent is expected to a degree, especially with multiple children in the home and/or with parents working. However, it is the level to which the distraction occurs that matters. Children and teens are not always the most observant but they do become acutely aware when the important people in their lives are not paying attention to their needs physically or emotionally. Those moments when a child fills a disconnect from their caregiver, they will take advantage by testing what they can get away with whether it’s jumping from the highest point of a jungle gym, sneaking out at night, or skipping school among other risky behaviors in the hopes that someone will notice them. There will always be some form of distraction in our lives. We will all have a ‘parenting fail’ moment at some point but these should be our moments that illicit changes in our behavior. We can all learn to become less distracted and more active in the lives of our families. We can be better about putting down the phone, shutting down the laptops, and turning off the T.V. in order to engage others in conversation, make eye contact across the table, and have time to play. These acts may seem small in nature but they can have long lasting effects on the emotional health of families.This is why I encourage all of us to focus on putting the phone, and any other distracting devices, away for at least an hour (or more) a day in order to fully engage with the people that we interact with on a daily basis. I guarantee that your children, teens, friends, and other family members will notice when you make the effort to give them your undivided attention instead of your distracted attentions. If you think you may struggle with being a Distracted Parent, leader, teacher, caregiver; think about your habits and ask yourself these questions:
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