 If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously.
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 Do you ever feel overwhelmingly busy? Do you ever feel guilty saying no despite already being busy? Something occurred to me recently-we talk about being busy like it’s a badge of honor. The expectation seems to be “If you are not busy, you must not have value as a person.” There are seasons of life where it really is inescapable. In some cases, being busy just comes down to having poor boundaries. It can come from an inability to say no and make time for your priorities. We think having time on our hands is some indication of lack in our lives. I’ve noticed more people being involved in various community roles, being more serious about their diet and physical fitness, advocating in their passions, seeing family, seeing the world, and bowing down to a zeitgeist that says if you do not do all these things you are a miserable person. Consider these conversations about being busy. Busy with “working all the time”, “taking the kids to their (XYZ)”, “hanging out with (unimportant relationship)”. Riveting, right? There are very real solutions to these things. If possible, say “no”. If your job overworks you and they will not let you spend appropriate time elsewhere, decide if that particular job is more important than relationships. If you sign up your kids for too many activities, realize the consequences of that. Believe it or not, recent scientific literature suggests kids having time to be bored can be healthy for them emotionally. When it comes to relationships, I think there is a balance. Sometimes you spend time with challenging relationships because that person is struggling. Where I think it is unhealthy is if you genuinely dislike who you are spending time with and spend time without them complaining about them. When we take on a manageable load, we produce at a much higher rate. However, when you take on too much, all areas of life can be impacted. You may not be able to put in the energy at work and miss details or run behind on projects. If you volunteer, you might not have enough left in the tank to really meet the population you are trying to serve where they are at. Relationships tend to be put on the backburner because you are exhausted from everything else you are trying to accomplish. Social media really just throws fuel on this fire of social comparison. While I’m writing this post, the first three posts on my Facebook feed are about one person being an amazing parent, someone else is in Niagara Falls, and the next is traveling out of town for a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on my couch while my wife is watching TV. By comparison, it can be easy to feel less than. If I’m honest though, this is one of my favorite days of the week. I don’t want to be doing these things others are doing. It took some effort to structure my life in a way that creates boundaries so I do not feel overrun with being busy. I still struggle with this as well. There are times when I am talking with someone and it is easy to feel like I am missing out. There are other times when I talk to people that are incredibly effective, have really healthy relationships, and are totally comfortable delegating tasks or turning down invitations. They, to me, seem to be the most relaxed people I know. What I want to make clear is there is a balance. We all have many things that are important to us and some things we cannot take off our plate. If we are intentional and mindful with what we do accept, those things will be more fulfilling. Here are some ideas with how to deny the culture of busyness. Action Steps:
 This musical production is fantastic! If you haven't seen it, you should, ASAP!
After watching for the hundredth time, I started to look past the inspiring lyrics, the fabulous costumes, the great choreography into what the storyline and characters are truly about. That is what this post is really about: when you are not distracted by the lights and dynamic scenes, there are some great lessons that we can use to help our kids, teens, and ourselves understand some important life lessons. 1. Diversity This story creates beauty out of many different types of people. Our society is often caught up in their appearances and judge others based on clothes, accessories, or money, without thinking about the person behind the looks. It is easy to be distracted by the outside layer and difficult to not make snap judgements about someone but we miss out on so much when we allow our own prejudices to take over. The Greatest Showman shows how one person being willing to accept those who look different created a family that is able to love and support each other in way their biological families did not. To be an example to others, we have to start by checking our own prejudices and truly consider how we perceive and act around people everyday. 2. Dare to dream Too often it is easy to tell ourselves, and others, that dreams are not possible. We are quick to list all the reasons a dream would be too hard to achieve or list all the obstacles. What would happen if we allowed ourselves the room to truly explore dreams? The Greatest Showman tells a story about a man who went from being broke to making more than enough. It takes hard work, making a plan, and setting goals but it is not impossible to ever achieve creating something out of nothing. We should encourage dreaming big, help others achieve their dreams or give ourselves room to achieve our own dreams. Achieving a dream means nothing if the startup and success goes unsupported or unappreciated by others. Let’s begin to help those in our lives set goals and create the plan that can lead them to seeing that dream actualized. 3. Facing adversity together We have all had those days; those days when it feels like the whole world is against us, when we feel tired, overworked, and unappreciated. Life is is a constant state of change and it is easy to become overly connected to everything that is happening in the world around us. The Greatest Showman created a world where a group of diverse people are not accepted and become ignored by the one person that brought them together. What gets them through their struggle to gain acceptance of themselves and their world, is the support they gain from each other. Sharing the burden by showing up and never wavering, never judging is a way to show our support to anyone who is facing adversity in our world. Now, I know that not everyone has been obsessed with The Greatest Showman the way some of us have been, but we cannot deny that there are lessons that can be shared with our families. I think the point of this film was to share how easy it is to get too caught up in looking a certain way, lose sight of values previously held, and how tempting it is to ignore those who appear too different from ourselves. My hope is that next time you view a film, that you can look past the stage production, past the costumes, and amazing actors to the deeper area behind the characters. Obviously not every film can be taken to deeper places, but if you look for it, you may surprise yourself. Michael Fowler, LMFT
 In the past few years, I’ve seen the term “self-care” floating around on social media. It’s usually attached to a meme about quitting your job or eating pizza or ‘Netflix and chill’. I really hope those memes are exaggerations and just jokes but I want to answer the question: What is self-care?
You could liken self-care to basic maintenance or upkeep. Let’s consider our cars. Hopefully, you take steps to keep your car running well by getting oil changes, putting gas in, and changing filters or parts as needed. We need to take care of these things so that they can serve their function. Do we show ourselves that same courtesy? Sure some of us get to take vacations every now and then, but do you take time in between vacations in order to keep everything running smoothly in your life? Self-care is intentional time taken to keep yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy in order to be able to strive towards your full potential. It should be a time where you feel refreshed afterwards-revitalized-ready to face the next thing in life, whatever it may be. You need to take an honest assessment of your “hobbies” and determine if you need to branch out. If your ‘hobby’ is Netflix or video games, and you feel deflated/gloomy afterwards, you may need to find something that gives you a sense of accomplishment. This looks differently for everyone. I tend to cycle between gaming, reading, and working out. My wife likes to read, get her nails done, do yoga, or deep clean our apartment. All of these things are helpful to us depending on the season we’re in or the time we have available to dedicate to our self-care. After reading the definition of self-care, most of you probably fall into one of two categories: You are either confident you have destressing hobbies and take part in self-care regularly or you feel like you are too busy to have the luxury of self-care. If you fall into the latter, you might be thinking you don’t have time for self-care or that self-care sounds selfish Consider the car analogy: our cars are in need of routine care otherwise things can go bad very quickly. We could end up broke down on the side of the road without a way to get to our next destination. People are a lot like a car: we need routine self-care in order to avoid having breakdowns and getting stuck in a bad place. When we neglect relationships, jobs, school work, health, kids, things go can go wrong. Our relationships deteriorate, we get fired, fail, get sick, miss out on fun; we simply lose out on life. These are reasons why self-care is not synonymous with selfish. We all need to find a way to balance the many tasks in life that can break us down if we neglect our own personal cares. I wholeheartedly believe you are busy. I also believe that if you take time to take care of yourself you will be better equipped to take care of your responsibilities. Self-care doesn’t have to be a week vacation or an entire day; it just needs to be revitalizing so you can continue to carry on down the road, no matter how rocky it may get. Here’s 3 steps to help you move forward with your self-care:
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