 If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously.
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Michael Fowler, LMFT
 When I was a kid, I really wanted to play professional basketball. That was my goal until I was in high school and Lebron went straight to the NBA. At that point, it occured to me, I was hopeless. He was just a few years older than me and I was nowhere near that level. Up until that point though, I played all the time. I started out watching. Next, I learned how to shoot and dribble. I picked up on some of the rules by playing NBA ‘95. I learned much more once I joined a team though. I learned more rules. I learned plays. I learned how to work with different players with different skills. I even played select for some time. My grandparents doled out extra cash to give me more tools to achieve my dreams of being in the NBA.
This way of learning is not unique to basketball though, right? There is a learning process to everything. You might shadow someone when you start a new job. If you want to learn a new instrument you might receive lessons or at least spend time with others that play as you try to figure things out. If we work so hard to learn how to play a sport, learn a new skill, or learn an instrument; why wouldn't we apply this concept to marriage? Premarital education significantly reduces the chances of divorce. So much so that the state of Texas offers an incentive program called Twogether in Texas for engaged couples in order to be better prepared for marriage.. This is a great thing! It offers couples a chance to talk about subjects they might not have covered yet, gives them some worksheets that can be used over time, and just helps build a foundation. I think we could take it further though. I think about how much I read about counseling before I actually met with a client face-to-face. Theory without application only goes so deep. It is one of those scenarios where you don’t know what you don’t know. Why don’t we apply the same logic of mentoring to relationships? Marriage mentorship can have a huge impact on a relationship. Everyone’s relationship will vary, but everyone WILL face challenges as a married couple. Marriage mentors can help you work through these issues to some degree, provide encouragement and perspective, and be a third party to help you work through something you are not seeing eye to eye on. Sometimes having someone to just talk to that cares about your marriage and is not just taking sides can give some good clarity on issues blinded by emotions. Maybe you are in a dating relationship, are about to get married, are newly married, or have been married and still know you could benefit from that sort of thing. Often times, people will not just offer a marriage mentorship but would love to help! I had a mentor like this when my wife and I were about to get married who very plainly said something to the effect of, “You and Shelbie should come over for dinner. You don’t have a clue how to manage money. Let me teach you some things.” It was a huge benefit to our young relationship, but he is the only person to be that forward. You could start this process by having a heart to heart with your spouse. Think about the older couples you know in your lives. Whose relationship would you like to have 20 years down the road? Who do you see treat their spouse in a way you have never seen? Invite them to have coffee or dinner and ask them if they would mind sitting down with you and your significant other once a month or so to talk about your relationship. Maybe you are an older couple. Hear this: YOU are desperately needed by the younger generation. You have wisdom to offer. Talk with your spouse about finding a younger couple to mentor. Seek them out. There will likely be times you offer and are turned down. That is okay. When you offer and a couple accepts, it will make the process that much easier because they are likely to be in a state of mind where they realize they need some help. That couple will be much more coachable than one that thinks they have it all figured out and marriage is no different than dating. The view on marriage in America has gone through some up’s and down’s. There are many in my generation that view marriage as the problem, coming from their family of origin that perhaps has been broken in some way. Many couples will cohabitate rather than wed because once it is official, it has the potential to go bad. I have a different view. Relationships are hard. If you could have “broken up” with your parents or siblings and not had to work on the relationship, many would have. Some have. Maybe instead of avoiding marriage, we need new ways to build strong relationships. We are in a revolutionary age where science backs up multiple ways to do this, but all of them take intention. This is the reason why those of us that can, should be willing to step up and be encouraging mentors to those that are growing up behind us and those who know they need mentoring should seek it out. |
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