 Divorce. The word alone can end an argument. Even used out of anger or just to end a fight, sometimes the suggestion can be so hurtful the actual result is divorce. For one spouse it can be a word that can be tossed out as a sign the fight needs to stop while another spouse can take it as the end of the marriage. An unforgivable word. This word can carry a lot of pain. In some cases, pain that has never been broached. This is exactly why couples that are considering marriage need to have this conversation openly and explicitly. Would divorce ever be an option for you?
My wife and I used to do premarital counseling at our old church. We always made a point to ask couples about their views on divorce. Many couples seemed shocked by the question-some assume premarital counseling should focus on the positives. The problem is if the discussion is not had assumptions are made. Then you can end up in a situation where one spouse, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to stop the conversation, throws out a comment about ending the marriage. What could be a parachute for one can be a free-fall for their partner. Then they crash land into irreparable damage. One view that has arisen in the past decade or so is the idea of a starter marriage. The belief is that you need a practice marriage prior to a “real” marriage. So you get married with the plan of getting divorced when things get hard. Rather than preventing divorce it assumes it as in impossibility. Spoiler alert: This does not make you more prepared for a successful marriage. One of the greatest factors for success in marriage counseling is the level of commitment. On the other hand the more marriages you have had the higher probability of divorce. With this information we can predict Starter Marriages prepare us to end our future marriages as well. One of the huge benefits of talking about it beforehand is it can give you great confidence and motivation in the midst of an argument. Confidence because you know as bad as it is your partner is not going to abandon you. Motivation because you will take seriously finding help and doing what is necessary to work on the relationship. On average, couples wait 7 years of being unsatisfied with their marriage before seeking help. If this sounds like a dumb idea, chances are many other conversations that need to be had are also being ignored. This is setting yourself up for failure. Challenging goals must be planned out. Marriage is similar in that matter. Avoiding tough conversations only makes you ill prepared.
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 “What brings you guys in?” is one of my favorite questions to ask when I am seeing a new couple. It tells me a few different things. The first layer is obvious-infidelity, communication, finances, or any other number of things people face in a relationship. The next is a term created by Dr. John Gottman of “we-ness”. There is a difference between a couple that says “We have trouble communicating” vs. “They don’t listen to me”. The first statement shows some sort of ownership on both ends. We could break it down to “I have difficulty saying things in a way where I feel heard and they have difficulty not getting defensive.” The other one says “They need to change for this relationship to work.” What the presence or lack of we-ness shows me is a piece of the dynamic that plays out with a couple.
There are different schools of thought in the world of psychotherapy. A core belief in what would be the philosophical view of family therapy is that we need to change the dynamic more than a symptom. If someone has been struggling with depression and they do not feel secure in their marriage, there is a realistic possibility that marriage therapy is more what they need than individual therapy. If we were to compare it to a physical illness, this could be like treating a cough when someone has the flu. The cough might subside, but the reason for the cough is still there and it will likely return if not treated. Marriage therapy can actually address many of these symptoms in ways we may not expect. In some cases, it can impact depression, anxiety, or even trauma. *Trauma often needs specialization, but couples therapy can help as well. In our culture, commitment is not quite as expected in a marriage as it was a few decades ago. The view of marriage itself has changed in many other ways, but there is certainly something to be gained from commitment. There have been and continue to be times when someone has stayed in what we would now consider an abusive or manipulative relationship due to cultural values. However, one extreme for another may not be the answer either. In any marriage, there will be challenges. Going through these things and supporting each other through them strengthen a marriage. In some cases, these are things that are out of our control. In other cases, they are things where loving someone requires loving them when they are not at their best. This creates secure connection. If we take the idea of we-ness and apply it to the challenges in our relationships it may change our approach. This can have couples go to therapy with more of a mindset of overcoming challenges together rather than trying to change their partner. One thing that seems to be a barrier when couples come in is when one of them has taken it upon themselves to diagnose their spouse. This is not helpful. It usually leaves one person feeling even more disconnected from their spouse. It can create an identity for their spouse that ends up needing to be shed. This may seem hard to avoid, but here are some tips to consider:
 Dr. Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect, has a doctorate in Child and Family Ecology, was a lead pastor, provided pastoral counseling, and is the President of Love and Respect Ministries. His technique primarily focuses on improving communication skills. He essentially takes the stance most marriages can be improved if the wives respect their husbands more and husbands loved their wives better. He presents it in a “one-size fits all” approach.
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