 Divorce. The word alone can end an argument. Even used out of anger or just to end a fight, sometimes the suggestion can be so hurtful the actual result is divorce. For one spouse it can be a word that can be tossed out as a sign the fight needs to stop while another spouse can take it as the end of the marriage. An unforgivable word. This word can carry a lot of pain. In some cases, pain that has never been broached. This is exactly why couples that are considering marriage need to have this conversation openly and explicitly. Would divorce ever be an option for you?
My wife and I used to do premarital counseling at our old church. We always made a point to ask couples about their views on divorce. Many couples seemed shocked by the question-some assume premarital counseling should focus on the positives. The problem is if the discussion is not had assumptions are made. Then you can end up in a situation where one spouse, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to stop the conversation, throws out a comment about ending the marriage. What could be a parachute for one can be a free-fall for their partner. Then they crash land into irreparable damage. One view that has arisen in the past decade or so is the idea of a starter marriage. The belief is that you need a practice marriage prior to a “real” marriage. So you get married with the plan of getting divorced when things get hard. Rather than preventing divorce it assumes it as in impossibility. Spoiler alert: This does not make you more prepared for a successful marriage. One of the greatest factors for success in marriage counseling is the level of commitment. On the other hand the more marriages you have had the higher probability of divorce. With this information we can predict Starter Marriages prepare us to end our future marriages as well. One of the huge benefits of talking about it beforehand is it can give you great confidence and motivation in the midst of an argument. Confidence because you know as bad as it is your partner is not going to abandon you. Motivation because you will take seriously finding help and doing what is necessary to work on the relationship. On average, couples wait 7 years of being unsatisfied with their marriage before seeking help. If this sounds like a dumb idea, chances are many other conversations that need to be had are also being ignored. This is setting yourself up for failure. Challenging goals must be planned out. Marriage is similar in that matter. Avoiding tough conversations only makes you ill prepared.
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 We know that every relationship looks different because every person is different with their own set of values and boundaries. This is why relationships can be so eye-opening because we all have our own personal agendas when entering into a relationship.
An interesting topic that has been trending is one of Relationship Agreements or Relationship Contracts. This a type of legal document that two people can agree on before entering into a significant relationship or even marriage. The famous Mark Zuckerburg reportedly has a Relationship Contract based upon a request from his wife detailing what she should expect after she moved across the country to be with him. Apparently this is quite the trend in Europe and for people over the age of 45 who have been divorced. The idea of a ‘Relationship Contract’ sounds a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t two people be able to just talk about what matters? Do two people really need to have a physical document stating expectations? The answer I have found is: maybe. My husband and I have a few things that we have verbally agreed to before and after our marriage ceremony. We have things that we both value that we want to ensure we continue to have throughout our relationship. For some people, maybe a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Maybe having a physical representation of agreed upon ideals is needed to keep the relationship healthy. These are the things that my husband and I have come to agree upon for our relationship. Like I stated earlier, each relationship is unique with its own shared values and ideals. These are just a few things that work for my relationship which may or not work for yours as well. Agreements We do not see divorce as an answer to our problems. This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people and we are not judging anyone who has taken the course of divorce. My husband and I believe there is a time when divorce may be the only answer for some people. However divorce should not be the answer to trivial unhappiness. There is usually a way to work through the daily stuff in order to remain good enough together. The effect of us never ending an argument with the threat of leaving helps us fight for a better relationship. We do not bad mouth each other, this includes complaining. Media portrays serious relationships as something that people are never fully satisfied in. We all have our quirks that our SO (significant other) puts up with, we all get mad, or upset over things he/she does. But here’s the thing: complaining about these things, bad mouthing your SO in public, will never help! Once you begin having that ‘complaint session’ with other people, that little irritation is fed and all of a sudden, you have lost control of the situation. We do promise to always have a date night. Now people hear ‘date night’ and think: “we have kids”, “who has money for that”, or “who has time for that”. When it comes to ‘date night’ what we strive for is intentional time together; meaning no technology, just the two of us doing something. We play games, eat a meal, have coffee, literally any time spent away from technology can do a relationship wonders. We have recently discovered ‘Happily: Date Night Boxes’ which have been an easy way for us to spend time together (especially with us not wanting to go out during a pandemic). Look for our post on reviewing our date night boxes! We do promise to support each other in all that we do. My husband and I both worked full time and attended online graduate programs for the first three years of our marriage. It was not easy and it was not always pretty. The struggle was real, the tears, the heartache, the constant state of frenzy was something that we struggled through together. The unconditional support we share has impacted our relationship for the better. Without supporting each other, this ship would have sank in that first year of marriage. So, when you consider your relationships (current or future), we hope that you can keep these things in mind. Our relationships are choices we make and things that we have some control over. Every relationship requires work, commitment, and agreement on what is allowed by both people involved. Relationships are never perfect, we will never be perfect but we can work on being good enough for each other.  Do you ever feel overwhelmingly busy? Do you ever feel guilty saying no despite already being busy? Something occurred to me recently-we talk about being busy like it’s a badge of honor. The expectation seems to be “If you are not busy, you must not have value as a person.” There are seasons of life where it really is inescapable. In some cases, being busy just comes down to having poor boundaries. It can come from an inability to say no and make time for your priorities. We think having time on our hands is some indication of lack in our lives. I’ve noticed more people being involved in various community roles, being more serious about their diet and physical fitness, advocating in their passions, seeing family, seeing the world, and bowing down to a zeitgeist that says if you do not do all these things you are a miserable person. Consider these conversations about being busy. Busy with “working all the time”, “taking the kids to their (XYZ)”, “hanging out with (unimportant relationship)”. Riveting, right? There are very real solutions to these things. If possible, say “no”. If your job overworks you and they will not let you spend appropriate time elsewhere, decide if that particular job is more important than relationships. If you sign up your kids for too many activities, realize the consequences of that. Believe it or not, recent scientific literature suggests kids having time to be bored can be healthy for them emotionally. When it comes to relationships, I think there is a balance. Sometimes you spend time with challenging relationships because that person is struggling. Where I think it is unhealthy is if you genuinely dislike who you are spending time with and spend time without them complaining about them. When we take on a manageable load, we produce at a much higher rate. However, when you take on too much, all areas of life can be impacted. You may not be able to put in the energy at work and miss details or run behind on projects. If you volunteer, you might not have enough left in the tank to really meet the population you are trying to serve where they are at. Relationships tend to be put on the backburner because you are exhausted from everything else you are trying to accomplish. Social media really just throws fuel on this fire of social comparison. While I’m writing this post, the first three posts on my Facebook feed are about one person being an amazing parent, someone else is in Niagara Falls, and the next is traveling out of town for a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on my couch while my wife is watching TV. By comparison, it can be easy to feel less than. If I’m honest though, this is one of my favorite days of the week. I don’t want to be doing these things others are doing. It took some effort to structure my life in a way that creates boundaries so I do not feel overrun with being busy. I still struggle with this as well. There are times when I am talking with someone and it is easy to feel like I am missing out. There are other times when I talk to people that are incredibly effective, have really healthy relationships, and are totally comfortable delegating tasks or turning down invitations. They, to me, seem to be the most relaxed people I know. What I want to make clear is there is a balance. We all have many things that are important to us and some things we cannot take off our plate. If we are intentional and mindful with what we do accept, those things will be more fulfilling. Here are some ideas with how to deny the culture of busyness. Action Steps:
 Since 2005, depression rates among adults in the US have nearly doubled. Since 1999, suicide rates have risen by 24%. While rates vary among ethnicities and ages, the rise is the same. Reasons vary among researchers as to why this is happening, but a common factor is unsatisfactory income. However, if you make minimum wage in America and work full-time, you are richer than 92% of the world. With that income, why are we so depressed?
Now before you stop reading, this is not a political post. It just begs the question: If we have our freedom, high wages relative to the rest of the world, and a culture that puts our individual happiness above all else, why are people so unhappy they are choosing to end their lives? In Stumbling Upon Happiness, Dan Gilbert states happiness increases very little after you make $50,000 annually. Obviously there are benefits to earning more, but it does not impact happiness because we expect too much of what it will bring us. Considering celebrities are not immune to suicide-this makes sense. However, there is a way that money can bring happiness: giving it away to benefit others. We do not have to have money to experience this though. We can also give away time. People who volunteer tend to find themselves happier than those who do not, they feel more connected to others with whom they share a common goal. This can result from any number of things. Working together to build a house for someone, serving food at a soup kitchen, or mentoring others are some examples. I wonder about this connection piece though. Are we not more connected now than ever before? We have social media! I can always see what people are cooking or feeling or buying, what more do I need? “Social media” may be a misnomer though. Have you ever had a real moment of connection via social media? There is a difference between texting and sending memes to someone and taking the time to connect with them face to face. The more we learn about social media, the more information we have about the negative effects. There is actually a connection between how many social apps people use and how high they rate symptoms of depression. There is also a connection between depression and people having more friends on social media. This does not necessarily mean social media is the culprit, but it does seem to be related. If people are more tied to social media are they still investing in relationships in-person? This may be a determining factor. I wonder if we have placed too much emphasis on individual happiness to the degree that we will not put up with things that bring real happiness, that can bring us pure joy. Relationships, whether it be with friends, family members, or romantic partners, will occasionally cause us to be uncomfortable. They impede on our momentary happiness. If we are willing to work through this conflict it can make our relationship more meaningful. This does not mean we will see eye to eye on everything, but we could be able to respect differences of opinion. Not being able to be comfortable with these differences is actually a sign of boundaries that may need to be restructured. There is a family therapist that would call this enmeshment. Meaning our boundaries are so unhealthy, we are uncomfortable with others disagreeing with us. If we are able to have these more clear boundaries, we can be friends with people we disagree with. Does having a social support system really make a difference though? Let’s look at veterans to understand the need for deeper social support. The military spends so many weeks in basic training together. They get reprimanded together, eat together, sleep in close quarters, and support each other to overcome the mental barriers to their physical challenges. They spend an incredible amount of time in community. Did you know 50% of them come back with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? This is something people obtain when they suffer traumatic events. It is easy to assume that this is due to war, but something does not add up. Only 10% of those veterans actually experience live warfare. Sebastian Junger suggests that the remaining 40% is traumatized by something else: our lonely society. Maybe veterans are hit so hard when they come home because they know what it is like to experience being in a unit and supported by people and experience the society that makes people who have never had an experience like that depressed. People are lonely. Not just some people, but nearly half of the population reports feeling alone despite the ease of connection we have with 21st century technology. We need people with us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We need people to walk alongside us when things are hard. Life is filled with challenges. Having people you can be real with when you are struggling can make things much more bearable. Maybe this post does not really relate to you directly. If anything, I hope it creates some awareness towards those in your life that may be overcome with loneliness. If you think you could stand to increase your social support, here are some practical ideas:
 The topic of failure brings up lots of feelings. People often assume that failure is not an option, like we are all capable of choosing to fail or not to fail. Being afraid to fail is a little like being afraid to step out the door in the morning; everyday comes no matter how prepared you are just like failure is inevitable no matter how prepared you are for the day ahead.This pressure to never fail is, in a way, a failure. Not just to ourselves but to those around us.
Failing has always been a struggle of mine. I used to desperately cling to being perfect and doing everything I could to ensure that I would never fail at school, at dance, in a job, in relationships. Let me tell you: it is an exhausting way of living. When I finally accepted that I am not perfect, that I will fail many times in my life, and that I do things wrong; life got a little easier. I truly believe that learning how to fail is an important life lesson. When something is inevitable, isn’t it best to learn how to handle it head on rather than hide from it? There is a way to accept failure and a way to move past that failure. Not just for ourselves but for those around us, because we not only fail ourselves but occasionally others. It seems that so few of us have learned this lesson which can make it difficult to accept failure in those around us. Let me tell you the lesson learned here is grace. Grace is the reason we are capable of accepting failure and how we can move past failure. When we remember that everyone fails and that we are made imperfectly, it is much easier to fail with grace rather than fail with a temper. This is a lesson that should be past on to our children. Learning graceful failure as a child is easier than to live our lives trying to be perfect until we run out of steam. Children are so resilient and capable of bearing more than they are given credit for. They learn from the adults in their lives what is acceptable and what is not. If a child is told over and over that failure is not an option, they learn to live in a constant state of anxiety. On the flipside, if a child is taught that they will be shown grace when failing, then they will learn to show grace to themselves and others. I pray that this philosophy of expecting and accepting failure in life will trickle down to our children and influence others in our lives. Teaching children how to fail with grace is not something that many people think about, I know I never did until I noticed how hard some kids take it when they fail. Especially with our new age philosophy of allowing every child to ‘win’ in sporting events. This idea of everyone winning only leads to disappointment in later life because we can’t all win all the time. But win children are given the opportunity to fail, they are being shown that it happens. Everyone loses. Everyone fails. Everyone also recovers, moves on, and learns from their mistakes. Failure is always an option, sometimes an inevitable option that can’t be helped. As fall approaches and schedules get loaded up with games, competitions, tests, and other activities let us remember grace. Grace in failure for ourselves, for our children, and for everyone else in our lives. Michael Fowler, LMFT
 When I was a kid, I really wanted to play professional basketball. That was my goal until I was in high school and Lebron went straight to the NBA. At that point, it occured to me, I was hopeless. He was just a few years older than me and I was nowhere near that level. Up until that point though, I played all the time. I started out watching. Next, I learned how to shoot and dribble. I picked up on some of the rules by playing NBA ‘95. I learned much more once I joined a team though. I learned more rules. I learned plays. I learned how to work with different players with different skills. I even played select for some time. My grandparents doled out extra cash to give me more tools to achieve my dreams of being in the NBA.
This way of learning is not unique to basketball though, right? There is a learning process to everything. You might shadow someone when you start a new job. If you want to learn a new instrument you might receive lessons or at least spend time with others that play as you try to figure things out. If we work so hard to learn how to play a sport, learn a new skill, or learn an instrument; why wouldn't we apply this concept to marriage? Premarital education significantly reduces the chances of divorce. So much so that the state of Texas offers an incentive program called Twogether in Texas for engaged couples in order to be better prepared for marriage.. This is a great thing! It offers couples a chance to talk about subjects they might not have covered yet, gives them some worksheets that can be used over time, and just helps build a foundation. I think we could take it further though. I think about how much I read about counseling before I actually met with a client face-to-face. Theory without application only goes so deep. It is one of those scenarios where you don’t know what you don’t know. Why don’t we apply the same logic of mentoring to relationships? Marriage mentorship can have a huge impact on a relationship. Everyone’s relationship will vary, but everyone WILL face challenges as a married couple. Marriage mentors can help you work through these issues to some degree, provide encouragement and perspective, and be a third party to help you work through something you are not seeing eye to eye on. Sometimes having someone to just talk to that cares about your marriage and is not just taking sides can give some good clarity on issues blinded by emotions. Maybe you are in a dating relationship, are about to get married, are newly married, or have been married and still know you could benefit from that sort of thing. Often times, people will not just offer a marriage mentorship but would love to help! I had a mentor like this when my wife and I were about to get married who very plainly said something to the effect of, “You and Shelbie should come over for dinner. You don’t have a clue how to manage money. Let me teach you some things.” It was a huge benefit to our young relationship, but he is the only person to be that forward. You could start this process by having a heart to heart with your spouse. Think about the older couples you know in your lives. Whose relationship would you like to have 20 years down the road? Who do you see treat their spouse in a way you have never seen? Invite them to have coffee or dinner and ask them if they would mind sitting down with you and your significant other once a month or so to talk about your relationship. Maybe you are an older couple. Hear this: YOU are desperately needed by the younger generation. You have wisdom to offer. Talk with your spouse about finding a younger couple to mentor. Seek them out. There will likely be times you offer and are turned down. That is okay. When you offer and a couple accepts, it will make the process that much easier because they are likely to be in a state of mind where they realize they need some help. That couple will be much more coachable than one that thinks they have it all figured out and marriage is no different than dating. The view on marriage in America has gone through some up’s and down’s. There are many in my generation that view marriage as the problem, coming from their family of origin that perhaps has been broken in some way. Many couples will cohabitate rather than wed because once it is official, it has the potential to go bad. I have a different view. Relationships are hard. If you could have “broken up” with your parents or siblings and not had to work on the relationship, many would have. Some have. Maybe instead of avoiding marriage, we need new ways to build strong relationships. We are in a revolutionary age where science backs up multiple ways to do this, but all of them take intention. This is the reason why those of us that can, should be willing to step up and be encouraging mentors to those that are growing up behind us and those who know they need mentoring should seek it out. |
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