 I have a habit that I have had for almost as long as I can remember. I would use it before a game against a fierce competitor back in the day, I would use it before tests in college, before testing a one rep max in the gym, before a job interview, and before asking my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter. Simply put, I talk to myself. It is a little more than that though. More accurately, I have an inner hype-man that believes I can do anything. You have inner thoughts though-everyone does. This is just using them to your advantage.
Imagine all of these examples if I allowed my inner thoughts to run the show. “They won’t hire you-there is always a better candidate”; “You are not going to be able to squat that”; “Why would he let you marry his daughter”. Many of us would not keep friends around that talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, but we allow ourselves to continue to beat us into submission. These negative thoughts do not just impact areas that we want to perform well, but also our day-to-day activities and our overall outlook on life. Does this really matter though? How can our thoughts change how we perform or how we feel? Gary Mack, author of Mind Gym, says “Others can help motivate you, but basically it must come from you…” There is so much power in how we treat ourselves mentally. Will it give you the results you want every single time? No. However, it can put you in a better headspace to compete in some cases. In other cases, it can help us be less critical in failure. This concept is not about feeling overly optimistic and things always working out in your favor. Consider this. If what I am saying is true, that if you think negatively you can set yourself back, could the results you are getting be due to the fact you do not expect things to work out in the first place? In psychology, we call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can feel easier to just assume failure rather than allowing yourself to hope. Wherever you land in this regard, give these things a try and see where it gets you. Utilize positive self-talk This can include a range of positivity. This can be anything from “I passed my last test. I prepared and attended all the classes. I can do this.” to “I’m going to destroy this test. This is just a small barrier in my path to greatness and I am going to obliterate it.” What would you want people to say to you to encourage you? What types of things would you say to friends to encourage them? Deconstruct negative thoughts Want to know something every human from the beginning of time until the end of time will have in common? We will have a thought that is not true. What can we do about it? Challenge our thoughts. If you do this with your positive thoughts, try it with negative thoughts as well. Take note of things like using the word “always” and “never”. Take note when you make large assumptions about people's motives. For example, you text a friend and do not hear back. You might have the immediate thought “They must have ignored me. They don’t like me.” On the one hand, sure. That is not completely out of the realm of possibility. However, what if your text failed? What if they saw it while they were driving, planned to respond when they got to their destination, and forgot by the time they got there? What if they were having a really bad day themselves and did not feel like talking to anyone? You get the picture. Just take time to challenge your thoughts. Accept compliments If someone says something nice to you, do not argue with them. Just appreciate what they are seeing in you and sharing with you. This is something I have a unique experience with as a counselor. I am constantly seeing growth in people that they are not giving themselves credit for. Part of what I do is call that out of them and celebrate it with them.
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 Do you ever feel overwhelmingly busy? Do you ever feel guilty saying no despite already being busy? Something occurred to me recently-we talk about being busy like it’s a badge of honor. The expectation seems to be “If you are not busy, you must not have value as a person.” There are seasons of life where it really is inescapable. In some cases, being busy just comes down to having poor boundaries. It can come from an inability to say no and make time for your priorities. We think having time on our hands is some indication of lack in our lives. I’ve noticed more people being involved in various community roles, being more serious about their diet and physical fitness, advocating in their passions, seeing family, seeing the world, and bowing down to a zeitgeist that says if you do not do all these things you are a miserable person. Consider these conversations about being busy. Busy with “working all the time”, “taking the kids to their (XYZ)”, “hanging out with (unimportant relationship)”. Riveting, right? There are very real solutions to these things. If possible, say “no”. If your job overworks you and they will not let you spend appropriate time elsewhere, decide if that particular job is more important than relationships. If you sign up your kids for too many activities, realize the consequences of that. Believe it or not, recent scientific literature suggests kids having time to be bored can be healthy for them emotionally. When it comes to relationships, I think there is a balance. Sometimes you spend time with challenging relationships because that person is struggling. Where I think it is unhealthy is if you genuinely dislike who you are spending time with and spend time without them complaining about them. When we take on a manageable load, we produce at a much higher rate. However, when you take on too much, all areas of life can be impacted. You may not be able to put in the energy at work and miss details or run behind on projects. If you volunteer, you might not have enough left in the tank to really meet the population you are trying to serve where they are at. Relationships tend to be put on the backburner because you are exhausted from everything else you are trying to accomplish. Social media really just throws fuel on this fire of social comparison. While I’m writing this post, the first three posts on my Facebook feed are about one person being an amazing parent, someone else is in Niagara Falls, and the next is traveling out of town for a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on my couch while my wife is watching TV. By comparison, it can be easy to feel less than. If I’m honest though, this is one of my favorite days of the week. I don’t want to be doing these things others are doing. It took some effort to structure my life in a way that creates boundaries so I do not feel overrun with being busy. I still struggle with this as well. There are times when I am talking with someone and it is easy to feel like I am missing out. There are other times when I talk to people that are incredibly effective, have really healthy relationships, and are totally comfortable delegating tasks or turning down invitations. They, to me, seem to be the most relaxed people I know. What I want to make clear is there is a balance. We all have many things that are important to us and some things we cannot take off our plate. If we are intentional and mindful with what we do accept, those things will be more fulfilling. Here are some ideas with how to deny the culture of busyness. Action Steps:
Michael Fowler, LMFT
 In the past few years, I’ve seen the term “self-care” floating around on social media. It’s usually attached to a meme about quitting your job or eating pizza or ‘Netflix and chill’. I really hope those memes are exaggerations and just jokes but I want to answer the question: What is self-care?
You could liken self-care to basic maintenance or upkeep. Let’s consider our cars. Hopefully, you take steps to keep your car running well by getting oil changes, putting gas in, and changing filters or parts as needed. We need to take care of these things so that they can serve their function. Do we show ourselves that same courtesy? Sure some of us get to take vacations every now and then, but do you take time in between vacations in order to keep everything running smoothly in your life? Self-care is intentional time taken to keep yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy in order to be able to strive towards your full potential. It should be a time where you feel refreshed afterwards-revitalized-ready to face the next thing in life, whatever it may be. You need to take an honest assessment of your “hobbies” and determine if you need to branch out. If your ‘hobby’ is Netflix or video games, and you feel deflated/gloomy afterwards, you may need to find something that gives you a sense of accomplishment. This looks differently for everyone. I tend to cycle between gaming, reading, and working out. My wife likes to read, get her nails done, do yoga, or deep clean our apartment. All of these things are helpful to us depending on the season we’re in or the time we have available to dedicate to our self-care. After reading the definition of self-care, most of you probably fall into one of two categories: You are either confident you have destressing hobbies and take part in self-care regularly or you feel like you are too busy to have the luxury of self-care. If you fall into the latter, you might be thinking you don’t have time for self-care or that self-care sounds selfish Consider the car analogy: our cars are in need of routine care otherwise things can go bad very quickly. We could end up broke down on the side of the road without a way to get to our next destination. People are a lot like a car: we need routine self-care in order to avoid having breakdowns and getting stuck in a bad place. When we neglect relationships, jobs, school work, health, kids, things go can go wrong. Our relationships deteriorate, we get fired, fail, get sick, miss out on fun; we simply lose out on life. These are reasons why self-care is not synonymous with selfish. We all need to find a way to balance the many tasks in life that can break us down if we neglect our own personal cares. I wholeheartedly believe you are busy. I also believe that if you take time to take care of yourself you will be better equipped to take care of your responsibilities. Self-care doesn’t have to be a week vacation or an entire day; it just needs to be revitalizing so you can continue to carry on down the road, no matter how rocky it may get. Here’s 3 steps to help you move forward with your self-care:
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