 Do you ever feel overwhelmingly busy? Do you ever feel guilty saying no despite already being busy? Something occurred to me recently-we talk about being busy like it’s a badge of honor. The expectation seems to be “If you are not busy, you must not have value as a person.” There are seasons of life where it really is inescapable. In some cases, being busy just comes down to having poor boundaries. It can come from an inability to say no and make time for your priorities. We think having time on our hands is some indication of lack in our lives. I’ve noticed more people being involved in various community roles, being more serious about their diet and physical fitness, advocating in their passions, seeing family, seeing the world, and bowing down to a zeitgeist that says if you do not do all these things you are a miserable person. Consider these conversations about being busy. Busy with “working all the time”, “taking the kids to their (XYZ)”, “hanging out with (unimportant relationship)”. Riveting, right? There are very real solutions to these things. If possible, say “no”. If your job overworks you and they will not let you spend appropriate time elsewhere, decide if that particular job is more important than relationships. If you sign up your kids for too many activities, realize the consequences of that. Believe it or not, recent scientific literature suggests kids having time to be bored can be healthy for them emotionally. When it comes to relationships, I think there is a balance. Sometimes you spend time with challenging relationships because that person is struggling. Where I think it is unhealthy is if you genuinely dislike who you are spending time with and spend time without them complaining about them. When we take on a manageable load, we produce at a much higher rate. However, when you take on too much, all areas of life can be impacted. You may not be able to put in the energy at work and miss details or run behind on projects. If you volunteer, you might not have enough left in the tank to really meet the population you are trying to serve where they are at. Relationships tend to be put on the backburner because you are exhausted from everything else you are trying to accomplish. Social media really just throws fuel on this fire of social comparison. While I’m writing this post, the first three posts on my Facebook feed are about one person being an amazing parent, someone else is in Niagara Falls, and the next is traveling out of town for a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on my couch while my wife is watching TV. By comparison, it can be easy to feel less than. If I’m honest though, this is one of my favorite days of the week. I don’t want to be doing these things others are doing. It took some effort to structure my life in a way that creates boundaries so I do not feel overrun with being busy. I still struggle with this as well. There are times when I am talking with someone and it is easy to feel like I am missing out. There are other times when I talk to people that are incredibly effective, have really healthy relationships, and are totally comfortable delegating tasks or turning down invitations. They, to me, seem to be the most relaxed people I know. What I want to make clear is there is a balance. We all have many things that are important to us and some things we cannot take off our plate. If we are intentional and mindful with what we do accept, those things will be more fulfilling. Here are some ideas with how to deny the culture of busyness. Action Steps:
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 Since 2005, depression rates among adults in the US have nearly doubled. Since 1999, suicide rates have risen by 24%. While rates vary among ethnicities and ages, the rise is the same. Reasons vary among researchers as to why this is happening, but a common factor is unsatisfactory income. However, if you make minimum wage in America and work full-time, you are richer than 92% of the world. With that income, why are we so depressed?
Now before you stop reading, this is not a political post. It just begs the question: If we have our freedom, high wages relative to the rest of the world, and a culture that puts our individual happiness above all else, why are people so unhappy they are choosing to end their lives? In Stumbling Upon Happiness, Dan Gilbert states happiness increases very little after you make $50,000 annually. Obviously there are benefits to earning more, but it does not impact happiness because we expect too much of what it will bring us. Considering celebrities are not immune to suicide-this makes sense. However, there is a way that money can bring happiness: giving it away to benefit others. We do not have to have money to experience this though. We can also give away time. People who volunteer tend to find themselves happier than those who do not, they feel more connected to others with whom they share a common goal. This can result from any number of things. Working together to build a house for someone, serving food at a soup kitchen, or mentoring others are some examples. I wonder about this connection piece though. Are we not more connected now than ever before? We have social media! I can always see what people are cooking or feeling or buying, what more do I need? “Social media” may be a misnomer though. Have you ever had a real moment of connection via social media? There is a difference between texting and sending memes to someone and taking the time to connect with them face to face. The more we learn about social media, the more information we have about the negative effects. There is actually a connection between how many social apps people use and how high they rate symptoms of depression. There is also a connection between depression and people having more friends on social media. This does not necessarily mean social media is the culprit, but it does seem to be related. If people are more tied to social media are they still investing in relationships in-person? This may be a determining factor. I wonder if we have placed too much emphasis on individual happiness to the degree that we will not put up with things that bring real happiness, that can bring us pure joy. Relationships, whether it be with friends, family members, or romantic partners, will occasionally cause us to be uncomfortable. They impede on our momentary happiness. If we are willing to work through this conflict it can make our relationship more meaningful. This does not mean we will see eye to eye on everything, but we could be able to respect differences of opinion. Not being able to be comfortable with these differences is actually a sign of boundaries that may need to be restructured. There is a family therapist that would call this enmeshment. Meaning our boundaries are so unhealthy, we are uncomfortable with others disagreeing with us. If we are able to have these more clear boundaries, we can be friends with people we disagree with. Does having a social support system really make a difference though? Let’s look at veterans to understand the need for deeper social support. The military spends so many weeks in basic training together. They get reprimanded together, eat together, sleep in close quarters, and support each other to overcome the mental barriers to their physical challenges. They spend an incredible amount of time in community. Did you know 50% of them come back with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? This is something people obtain when they suffer traumatic events. It is easy to assume that this is due to war, but something does not add up. Only 10% of those veterans actually experience live warfare. Sebastian Junger suggests that the remaining 40% is traumatized by something else: our lonely society. Maybe veterans are hit so hard when they come home because they know what it is like to experience being in a unit and supported by people and experience the society that makes people who have never had an experience like that depressed. People are lonely. Not just some people, but nearly half of the population reports feeling alone despite the ease of connection we have with 21st century technology. We need people with us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We need people to walk alongside us when things are hard. Life is filled with challenges. Having people you can be real with when you are struggling can make things much more bearable. Maybe this post does not really relate to you directly. If anything, I hope it creates some awareness towards those in your life that may be overcome with loneliness. If you think you could stand to increase your social support, here are some practical ideas:
 Dr. Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect, has a doctorate in Child and Family Ecology, was a lead pastor, provided pastoral counseling, and is the President of Love and Respect Ministries. His technique primarily focuses on improving communication skills. He essentially takes the stance most marriages can be improved if the wives respect their husbands more and husbands loved their wives better. He presents it in a “one-size fits all” approach.
 This musical production is fantastic! If you haven't seen it, you should, ASAP!
After watching for the hundredth time, I started to look past the inspiring lyrics, the fabulous costumes, the great choreography into what the storyline and characters are truly about. That is what this post is really about: when you are not distracted by the lights and dynamic scenes, there are some great lessons that we can use to help our kids, teens, and ourselves understand some important life lessons. 1. Diversity This story creates beauty out of many different types of people. Our society is often caught up in their appearances and judge others based on clothes, accessories, or money, without thinking about the person behind the looks. It is easy to be distracted by the outside layer and difficult to not make snap judgements about someone but we miss out on so much when we allow our own prejudices to take over. The Greatest Showman shows how one person being willing to accept those who look different created a family that is able to love and support each other in way their biological families did not. To be an example to others, we have to start by checking our own prejudices and truly consider how we perceive and act around people everyday. 2. Dare to dream Too often it is easy to tell ourselves, and others, that dreams are not possible. We are quick to list all the reasons a dream would be too hard to achieve or list all the obstacles. What would happen if we allowed ourselves the room to truly explore dreams? The Greatest Showman tells a story about a man who went from being broke to making more than enough. It takes hard work, making a plan, and setting goals but it is not impossible to ever achieve creating something out of nothing. We should encourage dreaming big, help others achieve their dreams or give ourselves room to achieve our own dreams. Achieving a dream means nothing if the startup and success goes unsupported or unappreciated by others. Let’s begin to help those in our lives set goals and create the plan that can lead them to seeing that dream actualized. 3. Facing adversity together We have all had those days; those days when it feels like the whole world is against us, when we feel tired, overworked, and unappreciated. Life is is a constant state of change and it is easy to become overly connected to everything that is happening in the world around us. The Greatest Showman created a world where a group of diverse people are not accepted and become ignored by the one person that brought them together. What gets them through their struggle to gain acceptance of themselves and their world, is the support they gain from each other. Sharing the burden by showing up and never wavering, never judging is a way to show our support to anyone who is facing adversity in our world. Now, I know that not everyone has been obsessed with The Greatest Showman the way some of us have been, but we cannot deny that there are lessons that can be shared with our families. I think the point of this film was to share how easy it is to get too caught up in looking a certain way, lose sight of values previously held, and how tempting it is to ignore those who appear too different from ourselves. My hope is that next time you view a film, that you can look past the stage production, past the costumes, and amazing actors to the deeper area behind the characters. Obviously not every film can be taken to deeper places, but if you look for it, you may surprise yourself. |
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