 I have a habit that I have had for almost as long as I can remember. I would use it before a game against a fierce competitor back in the day, I would use it before tests in college, before testing a one rep max in the gym, before a job interview, and before asking my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter. Simply put, I talk to myself. It is a little more than that though. More accurately, I have an inner hype-man that believes I can do anything. You have inner thoughts though-everyone does. This is just using them to your advantage.
Imagine all of these examples if I allowed my inner thoughts to run the show. “They won’t hire you-there is always a better candidate”; “You are not going to be able to squat that”; “Why would he let you marry his daughter”. Many of us would not keep friends around that talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, but we allow ourselves to continue to beat us into submission. These negative thoughts do not just impact areas that we want to perform well, but also our day-to-day activities and our overall outlook on life. Does this really matter though? How can our thoughts change how we perform or how we feel? Gary Mack, author of Mind Gym, says “Others can help motivate you, but basically it must come from you…” There is so much power in how we treat ourselves mentally. Will it give you the results you want every single time? No. However, it can put you in a better headspace to compete in some cases. In other cases, it can help us be less critical in failure. This concept is not about feeling overly optimistic and things always working out in your favor. Consider this. If what I am saying is true, that if you think negatively you can set yourself back, could the results you are getting be due to the fact you do not expect things to work out in the first place? In psychology, we call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can feel easier to just assume failure rather than allowing yourself to hope. Wherever you land in this regard, give these things a try and see where it gets you. Utilize positive self-talk This can include a range of positivity. This can be anything from “I passed my last test. I prepared and attended all the classes. I can do this.” to “I’m going to destroy this test. This is just a small barrier in my path to greatness and I am going to obliterate it.” What would you want people to say to you to encourage you? What types of things would you say to friends to encourage them? Deconstruct negative thoughts Want to know something every human from the beginning of time until the end of time will have in common? We will have a thought that is not true. What can we do about it? Challenge our thoughts. If you do this with your positive thoughts, try it with negative thoughts as well. Take note of things like using the word “always” and “never”. Take note when you make large assumptions about people's motives. For example, you text a friend and do not hear back. You might have the immediate thought “They must have ignored me. They don’t like me.” On the one hand, sure. That is not completely out of the realm of possibility. However, what if your text failed? What if they saw it while they were driving, planned to respond when they got to their destination, and forgot by the time they got there? What if they were having a really bad day themselves and did not feel like talking to anyone? You get the picture. Just take time to challenge your thoughts. Accept compliments If someone says something nice to you, do not argue with them. Just appreciate what they are seeing in you and sharing with you. This is something I have a unique experience with as a counselor. I am constantly seeing growth in people that they are not giving themselves credit for. Part of what I do is call that out of them and celebrate it with them.
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 “What brings you guys in?” is one of my favorite questions to ask when I am seeing a new couple. It tells me a few different things. The first layer is obvious-infidelity, communication, finances, or any other number of things people face in a relationship. The next is a term created by Dr. John Gottman of “we-ness”. There is a difference between a couple that says “We have trouble communicating” vs. “They don’t listen to me”. The first statement shows some sort of ownership on both ends. We could break it down to “I have difficulty saying things in a way where I feel heard and they have difficulty not getting defensive.” The other one says “They need to change for this relationship to work.” What the presence or lack of we-ness shows me is a piece of the dynamic that plays out with a couple.
There are different schools of thought in the world of psychotherapy. A core belief in what would be the philosophical view of family therapy is that we need to change the dynamic more than a symptom. If someone has been struggling with depression and they do not feel secure in their marriage, there is a realistic possibility that marriage therapy is more what they need than individual therapy. If we were to compare it to a physical illness, this could be like treating a cough when someone has the flu. The cough might subside, but the reason for the cough is still there and it will likely return if not treated. Marriage therapy can actually address many of these symptoms in ways we may not expect. In some cases, it can impact depression, anxiety, or even trauma. *Trauma often needs specialization, but couples therapy can help as well. In our culture, commitment is not quite as expected in a marriage as it was a few decades ago. The view of marriage itself has changed in many other ways, but there is certainly something to be gained from commitment. There have been and continue to be times when someone has stayed in what we would now consider an abusive or manipulative relationship due to cultural values. However, one extreme for another may not be the answer either. In any marriage, there will be challenges. Going through these things and supporting each other through them strengthen a marriage. In some cases, these are things that are out of our control. In other cases, they are things where loving someone requires loving them when they are not at their best. This creates secure connection. If we take the idea of we-ness and apply it to the challenges in our relationships it may change our approach. This can have couples go to therapy with more of a mindset of overcoming challenges together rather than trying to change their partner. One thing that seems to be a barrier when couples come in is when one of them has taken it upon themselves to diagnose their spouse. This is not helpful. It usually leaves one person feeling even more disconnected from their spouse. It can create an identity for their spouse that ends up needing to be shed. This may seem hard to avoid, but here are some tips to consider:
 Shaunti Feldhahn has a graduate degree from Harvard, is an avid social researcher, does speaking engagements, and has written over 20 books. She utilizes her research to present data in her works to provide the much needed context to the picture we tend to see generalized in other works. In For Women Only and the counterpart she co-authored with her husband Jeff, For Men Only, she does just that.
My wife and I both really enjoyed these books. We are not your “average” couple when it comes to gender norms. I tend to be the one wanting to talk through problems and she can be the one that is less emotionally expressive. Because of this, books that take rigid stances on “what your wife will do” and “what your husband will do” not only leave me irritated on a personal level, but on a systemic level as well. I honestly believe books like that can do damage, but that is a breakdown for another post. What really impressed me with these books is the way she broke it down to give a significantly more clear picture of how women and men may respond or think about certain situations. There is very little opinion in this book. They surveyed a large group of men and women, asked them a variety of questions, and presented the results. Because of this, you are not reading “Your spouse thinks this…” but instead “If this is your spouse, they agree with 60% of the women we surveyed…”. This was such a relief to me. It helps us understand, your spouse may not fit into these boxes every thinks they will, but they are not completely alone. I would say these books can be helpful at any point in your relationship, but maybe more so in the early years. These can be really good for couples considering marriage, that are engaged, or may be having a tough time getting used to small differences that add up. In some cases, these frustrations cover up a larger issue. In these situations, you may seek out therapy or read something like Created for Connection or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. If that is not the case, these can be great. One way to go through these books as a couple is by reading the one about yourself first and highlighting things that line up with you and marking out things that do not apply. Then you and your partner trade books and have a clear guide on how the other one perceives themselves.  If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously. |
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