There's a marital researcher, John Gottman, who has had a tremendous impact on the field of marriage therapy. Through longitudinal research (research done over an extended period of time rather than in one moment of time) he has compiled 7 different things that happy couples do. One of those is they regularly express appreciation to each other. 

Have you ever had a boss that would commend your work? It might seem like I silly thing. If I am paid to do a job maybe I should just expect the paycheck to be enough, but when someone takes time to say "Hey. You put in a lot of effort on that project. Thanks for doing that." it can go a really long way. 

In marriage, we can get so used to the things our partner does and so focused on the things we do or need to do we might move too fast to let them know the things we appreciate about them. Consider for a moment-what would it be like if your partner expressed appreciation for the things you already do and feel go unnoticed? Now consider what it would be like for your partner if you expressed genuine appreciation for things that they do? Or for character traits they hold? 

Here's the encouraging thing. We impact the people around us. It can start with you. Be more intentional about letting the people in your home know the ways you appreciate them. See if that doesn't create a culture of appreciation in your home. 

If this is more complicated than it seems like it should be, sometimes that's because it is. Contact us for a free consultation if this feels like an unattainable goal in your home right now. 

It's summer. You and your friends are too young for jobs, too young to drive, and no where to go anyway. Who are these friends? The friends who happen to live within walking or biking distance. You cycle through various activities. You meet at each others house to play video games. You ride bikes through the neighborhood. You play hours of basketball. You sit around in your friends driveway. And when the streetlights come on, you go home. You eat dinner, go into your room, turn on your game console, and call the person you just spent all day with. And the same conversation about nothing continues. 30 years later, every time you talk, it comes up. How good those days were. 

The invention and progression of technology has been, to be frank, insane in the past 3 decades. A lot of it has been good. But I'm often grieved-I'm at a restaurant and see a group of 3 friends all sitting silently on their phones laughing to themselves, by themselves. Or a couple where one looks at the top of the head of their partner who is mindlessly scrolling and tossing out unconvincing affirmatives as if a dialogue is happening. Or the kid desperately trying to get the attention of the parent who insists "I hear you" without making any eye contact. I'm grieved and I wonder "What are we doing to ourselves?"

​A particular experience I think we've lost is being bored around each other. Those conversations when you were a kid without phone happened from something that happened or an idea that entered your mind from the aimlessness of your moment. The conversations that can happen from being lost in thought and asking the person next to you about what they think seem to be lost. Even if you try, the person next to you would need to be engaged. What we get now seems to be annoyance at the lack of direction or even purpose of the question. 

More and more, there are resources trying to help people disconnect so they can reconnect. This impacts focus and levels of anxiety to be sure. As a therapist that specializes in relationships though, I'm confident finding ways to reduce technology use in your home and in your family will have impacts that might not even be able to measured. 

Have you tried and failed to make these changes on your own? Contact us today for a free consultation.