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There's a marital researcher, John Gottman, who has had a tremendous impact on the field of marriage therapy. Through longitudinal research (research done over an extended period of time rather than in one moment of time) he has compiled 7 different things that happy couples do. One of those is they regularly express appreciation to each other.
Have you ever had a boss that would commend your work? It might seem like I silly thing. If I am paid to do a job maybe I should just expect the paycheck to be enough, but when someone takes time to say "Hey. You put in a lot of effort on that project. Thanks for doing that." it can go a really long way. In marriage, we can get so used to the things our partner does and so focused on the things we do or need to do we might move too fast to let them know the things we appreciate about them. Consider for a moment-what would it be like if your partner expressed appreciation for the things you already do and feel go unnoticed? Now consider what it would be like for your partner if you expressed genuine appreciation for things that they do? Or for character traits they hold? Here's the encouraging thing. We impact the people around us. It can start with you. Be more intentional about letting the people in your home know the ways you appreciate them. See if that doesn't create a culture of appreciation in your home. If this is more complicated than it seems like it should be, sometimes that's because it is. Contact us for a free consultation if this feels like an unattainable goal in your home right now.
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It's summer. You and your friends are too young for jobs, too young to drive, and no where to go anyway. Who are these friends? The friends who happen to live within walking or biking distance. You cycle through various activities. You meet at each others house to play video games. You ride bikes through the neighborhood. You play hours of basketball. You sit around in your friends driveway. And when the streetlights come on, you go home. You eat dinner, go into your room, turn on your game console, and call the person you just spent all day with. And the same conversation about nothing continues. 30 years later, every time you talk, it comes up. How good those days were.
The invention and progression of technology has been, to be frank, insane in the past 3 decades. A lot of it has been good. But I'm often grieved-I'm at a restaurant and see a group of 3 friends all sitting silently on their phones laughing to themselves, by themselves. Or a couple where one looks at the top of the head of their partner who is mindlessly scrolling and tossing out unconvincing affirmatives as if a dialogue is happening. Or the kid desperately trying to get the attention of the parent who insists "I hear you" without making any eye contact. I'm grieved and I wonder "What are we doing to ourselves?" A particular experience I think we've lost is being bored around each other. Those conversations when you were a kid without phone happened from something that happened or an idea that entered your mind from the aimlessness of your moment. The conversations that can happen from being lost in thought and asking the person next to you about what they think seem to be lost. Even if you try, the person next to you would need to be engaged. What we get now seems to be annoyance at the lack of direction or even purpose of the question. More and more, there are resources trying to help people disconnect so they can reconnect. This impacts focus and levels of anxiety to be sure. As a therapist that specializes in relationships though, I'm confident finding ways to reduce technology use in your home and in your family will have impacts that might not even be able to measured. Have you tried and failed to make these changes on your own? Contact us today for a free consultation. Most of the time, when people struggle controlling their emotions they think there must be some coping skill they need to learn or some deep wound they need to address. Despite the way the culture talks about emotions, it isn't always that complicated. There's 3 areas that have the biggest impact on your ability to regulate your emotions. Sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
According to the research, anywhere outside of 6-9 hours of sleep impacts overall mortality rate. Some of the simplest changes are don't eat or drink anything too close to bed, stay off of screens an hour before bed, and consider the lighting you use in your home. When it comes to exercise, there are a tremendous amount of things that make people feel defensive and stops them from even considering starting. So think of it this way, if you are not doing anything at all right now, start moving. If you're more able than that, find a way to challenge yourself. Your goal doesn't need to be to get jacked and lose 20 pounds. Just start with moving more than you are. Nutrition can be another one that feels really complicated because of the variety of information online variance even between professionals. Something you consistently see whether its keto, carnivore, or even plant-based diets its cutting out processed food and eating more whole foods. Try starting with getting more fruits and vegetables in your diet. By this simple change, you chew a lot more and this has a psychological impact of helping you feel more full because of the amount of chewing you have to do. Sometimes this can be as simple as someone realizing they need to do something hard. Every now and then, there's some things that could be sorted out in therapy to help with this. Consider where you are as you create your plan of action.  Something I get to do as a therapist that I never expected as a benefit of the job is being able to help people I love navigate finding their own therapist. Due to my ethics code, I could not provide therapy to someone who I already have a relationship with. However, I can use my knowledge of the field to help them find who they need to see. Have you ever looked for a therapist and seen a string of acronyms you don’t understand? Do you need an MMFT, LMFT-Associate? A PhD, LP? A Psychiatrist? An MA, LCSW Certified in EMDR? I hope you will be able to use this as a guide to find a therapist that fits your needs if you are looking and overwhelmed by the endless acronyms.
Before we get into this, I would start with an encouragement to find someone that IS licensed. There are plenty of people masquerading as therapists that have no business doing so. If you want help with mental health, step 1 is finding a LICENSED clinician. That means dump your life coach that just makes decisions you should be making or yells at you. Degrees-Degrees are simply education. Someone can have a degree without having a license. Most licensed clinicians will have at least a graduate degree. This would mean they have completed a 4 year bachelor degree, or undergraduate degree, and went back for another degree. Exceptions would be Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselors (LCDC) or Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) Therapists. We will be focusing on graduate degrees.
Licenses-For someone to have a license, they must have completed a graduate degree (Listed above) with the relevant coursework for their field, completed a state test to prove competency on the material, and have completed a determined number of supervised hours by an experienced clinician (or may be in the process of doing so).
Certifications-Certifications would be the 3rd step for a licensed clinician. If someone has a degree and a state license, certifications tend to show areas of interest for someone and may give you more confidence if you are wanting help in a certain area. This is not to say someone has to be certified in something to be able to help, it just means they may have more training and possibly experience. Then again there are many clinicians with a tremendous amount of experience that choose to not get certified in one approach. They may even have all the necessary training without completing the process to be certified.
Hopefully, this will give you some clarity when searching for a therapist. Look for someone that is qualified and seems competent in the area you need help. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions.  Divorce. The word alone can end an argument. Even used out of anger or just to end a fight, sometimes the suggestion can be so hurtful the actual result is divorce. For one spouse it can be a word that can be tossed out as a sign the fight needs to stop while another spouse can take it as the end of the marriage. An unforgivable word. This word can carry a lot of pain. In some cases, pain that has never been broached. This is exactly why couples that are considering marriage need to have this conversation openly and explicitly. Would divorce ever be an option for you?
My wife and I used to do premarital counseling at our old church. We always made a point to ask couples about their views on divorce. Many couples seemed shocked by the question-some assume premarital counseling should focus on the positives. The problem is if the discussion is not had assumptions are made. Then you can end up in a situation where one spouse, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to stop the conversation, throws out a comment about ending the marriage. What could be a parachute for one can be a free-fall for their partner. Then they crash land into irreparable damage. One view that has arisen in the past decade or so is the idea of a starter marriage. The belief is that you need a practice marriage prior to a “real” marriage. So you get married with the plan of getting divorced when things get hard. Rather than preventing divorce it assumes it as in impossibility. Spoiler alert: This does not make you more prepared for a successful marriage. One of the greatest factors for success in marriage counseling is the level of commitment. On the other hand the more marriages you have had the higher probability of divorce. With this information we can predict Starter Marriages prepare us to end our future marriages as well. One of the huge benefits of talking about it beforehand is it can give you great confidence and motivation in the midst of an argument. Confidence because you know as bad as it is your partner is not going to abandon you. Motivation because you will take seriously finding help and doing what is necessary to work on the relationship. On average, couples wait 7 years of being unsatisfied with their marriage before seeking help. If this sounds like a dumb idea, chances are many other conversations that need to be had are also being ignored. This is setting yourself up for failure. Challenging goals must be planned out. Marriage is similar in that matter. Avoiding tough conversations only makes you ill prepared.
 Just the words “Disney princess” brings up all sorts of nostalgic feelings for me. I have been a handful of princesses, currently own the majority of their movies, and several dolls for my daughter. The idea of being a princess has always been an ideal that I have never shied away from. Imagining myself as a princess, in a far away kingdom, awaiting a prince to love….I mean it brings up such positive emotions! I even like the idea of having a cute little critter to talk to about my problems and dreams. So it always saddens me when people go on the attack against Disney princesses.
Everyone has their own opinions about this idea of Disney princesses. I have heard it all: they dress inappropriately, they change for boys, they’re boy obsessed, they’re disobedient, always waiting around for someone else to save them, among many other criticisms. These are my thoughts that I have developed over the years on why I am not just ok with Disney princesses, but why I fully support the enjoyment of all things Disney princess. My first argument to all of the criticism has always been: what’s wrong with a little fantasy? We watch our children grow and learn through the power of play and imagination. So when we take away an innocent idea like Disney princesses, we are actually causing unhealthy ideas about what is inappropriate versus appropriate content. Generations of child researchers have studied how pretending is not only necessary but crucial for children to express themselves. There is nothing wrong with wearing a sparkly dress or a crown while pretending to be a princess. When we criticise our children for what they like or what they want to pretend, we teach them that they are wrong. When we criticise, we teach them they aren’t actually allowed to express themselves in a way that they feel comfortable. We never tell boys they can’t pretend to be knights or kings but we constantly preach that girls shouldn’t want to be a princess or queen. That is what we call a double-standard and I for one am not comfortable with that discrepancy. My second argument for why we should allow Disney princesses to be viewed is because they promote healthy relationships. Hear me out: healthy boundaries and creating lasting relationships is something that most grown adults still struggle with. When I watched the Little Mermaid, I was never distracted by her bikini, I was distracted by how Flounder and Sebastian worked together to try to help her make positive choices. Sure she goes against their wishes, but they continue to support her through the choice she made. When I watch Aladdin, I am not looking at how Jasmine wears a two-piece outfit, I was watching how she made the choice to reject Aladdin after she finds out he lied about who he was. I don’t know about you, but that takes a bold person to tell someone to go away after developing feelings for them. These princesses make decisions and face the consequences, good and bad, for which they take full responsibility. My last argument is for those that complain that princesses wait around for someone to save them. To this I always ask, “Have you ever even watched a Disney movie?” The princesses I know and love have all worked hard to save themselves, their friends, and their family from terrible situations. The majority of the princesses learn how to save themselves on their journeys of self-discovery. Moana, Elsa, Tiana, Pocahontas, Rapunzel, Belle to name just a few, all learn what’s important to them and how to save themselves and the people they care about. Sure there is Snow White and Sleeping Beauty who were cursed and forced to wait for a kiss to awake but they chose to run away from the lives they were living in order to feel free and discover the truth. If I had been lied to and abused for most of my life, I would have run away too! Every time a princess chooses to chase a life where they can dictate the rules, I praise them for being brave enough to journey into the unknown, to take a healthy risk to discover who they are. Without these journeys, they would not discover all that they can achieve alone but also with the people they care about. This may not have changed your mind and you may not agree with my points for why we allow Disney princesses in our home. What I hope is that maybe, you have a new viewpoint, maybe some new ways of viewing some of the beloved stories that are told. As always, what is right for one family is not always right for another. Make the choices that you are most comfortable with but I hope you do so without criticizing the child that shows an interest. We can criticize an ideal or an image but we should never criticize the child.  I have a habit that I have had for almost as long as I can remember. I would use it before a game against a fierce competitor back in the day, I would use it before tests in college, before testing a one rep max in the gym, before a job interview, and before asking my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter. Simply put, I talk to myself. It is a little more than that though. More accurately, I have an inner hype-man that believes I can do anything. You have inner thoughts though-everyone does. This is just using them to your advantage.
Imagine all of these examples if I allowed my inner thoughts to run the show. “They won’t hire you-there is always a better candidate”; “You are not going to be able to squat that”; “Why would he let you marry his daughter”. Many of us would not keep friends around that talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, but we allow ourselves to continue to beat us into submission. These negative thoughts do not just impact areas that we want to perform well, but also our day-to-day activities and our overall outlook on life. Does this really matter though? How can our thoughts change how we perform or how we feel? Gary Mack, author of Mind Gym, says “Others can help motivate you, but basically it must come from you…” There is so much power in how we treat ourselves mentally. Will it give you the results you want every single time? No. However, it can put you in a better headspace to compete in some cases. In other cases, it can help us be less critical in failure. This concept is not about feeling overly optimistic and things always working out in your favor. Consider this. If what I am saying is true, that if you think negatively you can set yourself back, could the results you are getting be due to the fact you do not expect things to work out in the first place? In psychology, we call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can feel easier to just assume failure rather than allowing yourself to hope. Wherever you land in this regard, give these things a try and see where it gets you. Utilize positive self-talk This can include a range of positivity. This can be anything from “I passed my last test. I prepared and attended all the classes. I can do this.” to “I’m going to destroy this test. This is just a small barrier in my path to greatness and I am going to obliterate it.” What would you want people to say to you to encourage you? What types of things would you say to friends to encourage them? Deconstruct negative thoughts Want to know something every human from the beginning of time until the end of time will have in common? We will have a thought that is not true. What can we do about it? Challenge our thoughts. If you do this with your positive thoughts, try it with negative thoughts as well. Take note of things like using the word “always” and “never”. Take note when you make large assumptions about people's motives. For example, you text a friend and do not hear back. You might have the immediate thought “They must have ignored me. They don’t like me.” On the one hand, sure. That is not completely out of the realm of possibility. However, what if your text failed? What if they saw it while they were driving, planned to respond when they got to their destination, and forgot by the time they got there? What if they were having a really bad day themselves and did not feel like talking to anyone? You get the picture. Just take time to challenge your thoughts. Accept compliments If someone says something nice to you, do not argue with them. Just appreciate what they are seeing in you and sharing with you. This is something I have a unique experience with as a counselor. I am constantly seeing growth in people that they are not giving themselves credit for. Part of what I do is call that out of them and celebrate it with them.  “What brings you guys in?” is one of my favorite questions to ask when I am seeing a new couple. It tells me a few different things. The first layer is obvious-infidelity, communication, finances, or any other number of things people face in a relationship. The next is a term created by Dr. John Gottman of “we-ness”. There is a difference between a couple that says “We have trouble communicating” vs. “They don’t listen to me”. The first statement shows some sort of ownership on both ends. We could break it down to “I have difficulty saying things in a way where I feel heard and they have difficulty not getting defensive.” The other one says “They need to change for this relationship to work.” What the presence or lack of we-ness shows me is a piece of the dynamic that plays out with a couple.
There are different schools of thought in the world of psychotherapy. A core belief in what would be the philosophical view of family therapy is that we need to change the dynamic more than a symptom. If someone has been struggling with depression and they do not feel secure in their marriage, there is a realistic possibility that marriage therapy is more what they need than individual therapy. If we were to compare it to a physical illness, this could be like treating a cough when someone has the flu. The cough might subside, but the reason for the cough is still there and it will likely return if not treated. Marriage therapy can actually address many of these symptoms in ways we may not expect. In some cases, it can impact depression, anxiety, or even trauma. *Trauma often needs specialization, but couples therapy can help as well. In our culture, commitment is not quite as expected in a marriage as it was a few decades ago. The view of marriage itself has changed in many other ways, but there is certainly something to be gained from commitment. There have been and continue to be times when someone has stayed in what we would now consider an abusive or manipulative relationship due to cultural values. However, one extreme for another may not be the answer either. In any marriage, there will be challenges. Going through these things and supporting each other through them strengthen a marriage. In some cases, these are things that are out of our control. In other cases, they are things where loving someone requires loving them when they are not at their best. This creates secure connection. If we take the idea of we-ness and apply it to the challenges in our relationships it may change our approach. This can have couples go to therapy with more of a mindset of overcoming challenges together rather than trying to change their partner. One thing that seems to be a barrier when couples come in is when one of them has taken it upon themselves to diagnose their spouse. This is not helpful. It usually leaves one person feeling even more disconnected from their spouse. It can create an identity for their spouse that ends up needing to be shed. This may seem hard to avoid, but here are some tips to consider:
 Shaunti Feldhahn has a graduate degree from Harvard, is an avid social researcher, does speaking engagements, and has written over 20 books. She utilizes her research to present data in her works to provide the much needed context to the picture we tend to see generalized in other works. In For Women Only and the counterpart she co-authored with her husband Jeff, For Men Only, she does just that.
My wife and I both really enjoyed these books. We are not your “average” couple when it comes to gender norms. I tend to be the one wanting to talk through problems and she can be the one that is less emotionally expressive. Because of this, books that take rigid stances on “what your wife will do” and “what your husband will do” not only leave me irritated on a personal level, but on a systemic level as well. I honestly believe books like that can do damage, but that is a breakdown for another post. What really impressed me with these books is the way she broke it down to give a significantly more clear picture of how women and men may respond or think about certain situations. There is very little opinion in this book. They surveyed a large group of men and women, asked them a variety of questions, and presented the results. Because of this, you are not reading “Your spouse thinks this…” but instead “If this is your spouse, they agree with 60% of the women we surveyed…”. This was such a relief to me. It helps us understand, your spouse may not fit into these boxes every thinks they will, but they are not completely alone. I would say these books can be helpful at any point in your relationship, but maybe more so in the early years. These can be really good for couples considering marriage, that are engaged, or may be having a tough time getting used to small differences that add up. In some cases, these frustrations cover up a larger issue. In these situations, you may seek out therapy or read something like Created for Connection or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. If that is not the case, these can be great. One way to go through these books as a couple is by reading the one about yourself first and highlighting things that line up with you and marking out things that do not apply. Then you and your partner trade books and have a clear guide on how the other one perceives themselves.  If you know any married couples, this article is about you. You are needed in this role.
The marital relationship has a lot of power. It can be a relationship that builds you up or brings you down. The thing I know for sure is every single couple that has been or will be married will face difficulties. Many consider divorce. They may be in a difficult season that seems it won’t end. These seasons can weigh so heavily that thoughts can lead to believing a mistake was made in who they chose as a partner. Most people do not go to a counselor first. They do not go to a Marriage Mentor, a pastor, or some other Marriage advocate. Most people go to a friend or a family member. That is you, the true marriage first-responder. What is a first-responder’s job when they get to the scene of an injury? They are not doing surgery, assessing for the depth of the wound, or recommending the type of treatment necessary. They simply respond to the crisis at hand and get the person connected with the people that can do the more critical work that needs to be done, the mental health professionals. This is what we can do when our friends are having trouble in their marriage. Depending on the situation, we can listen and encourage them to seek out professional help. There are varying views of marriage in our culture. Some people view it as a piece of paper that does not matter, some view it as something that will inevitably end if you are not with the right person, then some of us view it as a relationship where you need commitment to get you through the difficult times. This is another reason a mentor couple can be helpful. If a couple is having a difficult time and the response they get from a friend is “You don’t need to put up with that. Do whatever makes you happy” they are much more likely to follow that advice. On the other hand what if they call someone and get “I hear you, man. We went through a really tough time a couple years ago. Have you thought about seeing someone to get help? Just getting another perspective to help you guys work through this?” They may just need some encouragement and some empathy to save their relationship. The reality is divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Even amicable divorces can be very difficult emotionally. It is difficult for the kids and challenging for parent-child relationships. I am not endorsing staying in an abusive relationship. What I am saying is that every couple faces challenges. Therapy can be difficult-absolutely. However, so is the alternative. You have the power to encourage friends or family or whoever reaches out to you in a time of need to seek professional help. I encourage you to take this role seriously. |
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