 Gary Thomas is most known as an author and a speaker. He has written over 20 books, countless articles, and has a Master’s degree in Systematic Theology. This is reflected in the depth of his books on marriage. Sacred Marriage is one of the deepest books I have read by a Christian author. Many books attempt to take a one-size-fits-all approach that focuses on changing specific behaviors. This may be helpful in some cases, but it does not always have a lasting impact. Sacred Marriage goes 20,000 leagues deep on what marriage means to the one who created it, things we can expect in different areas, and the theological understanding for why marriage can be so difficult. Will this book give you 5 ways to love your spouse better? Not necessarily. However, it very well may change your perspective so that you end up loving your spouse better and putting more intention into your relationship with your spouse.
One of the key points of Sacred Marriage changed the way I conceptualize love. It has always been easy for me to think about the movie version of love. Things are new and refreshing, you laugh on dates together, you enjoy different activities together, in the movies there is a moment of tension, but a conversation always provides understanding and they are incredibly happy afterward. Sometimes if there is tension or turmoil in the marriage, we can think we made a wrong choice. There are a lot of people out there! Maybe I chose the wrong one? I can see why people might think this, but here is another option. Every marriage is formed by two different people, with two different personalities, family backgrounds, relationship history, likes, dislikes, wounded areas of their heart, hopes, dreams, ideas of roles in marriage, ideas of being respected and loved, and on and on. The reality is whoever we marry, we will find challenges to overcome. From a theological standpoint, Thomas suggests this thing we are experiencing is called sanctification. In simpler terms, God is using our spouse to show the areas of our hearts that do not look like Him. That is painful. Secondly, Thomas suggests you can cheat on your spouse without looking at another person with lust or engaging in an extramarital relationship. He takes the stance that when things take priority over our spouse that should not, we are essentially cheating on them. This may sound extreme, but from my perspective I see it all the time. A wife feels lonely because her husband stays at work after hours to hangout with friends on a nightly basis. A husband feels rejected because his wife will not make time for a date night, but refuses to miss other events on her social calendar. Nearly everything can be overvalued if the marriage is not intentionally guarded. One of the biggest takeaways that impacted me is how Thomas describes the Imago Dei. The Imago Dei means “made in the image of God”. Men and women are both made in the image of God, yet we very frequently have differences. Some of these differences seem incredibly difficult to navigate in the context of a relationship. Thomas makes the point that these gender differences are good things, but can feel like impossible barriers. One I often hear is that men are not emotional and they do not have the capacity to be so. We may not have the language to express our emotions the way the fairer sex does, but we experience them all the same. This difference, and learning to navigate it within the context of a safe relationship, can help us change into a different, more rounded version of ourselves. This is a book to wrestle with. If both couples are readers, it is a great one to slowly go through taking notes and discussing. It is not explicitly trying to give marriage advice, but many books that take that approach fail. Relationships are not so simplistic. I highly encourage you to check this one out.
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 We know that every relationship looks different because every person is different with their own set of values and boundaries. This is why relationships can be so eye-opening because we all have our own personal agendas when entering into a relationship.
An interesting topic that has been trending is one of Relationship Agreements or Relationship Contracts. This a type of legal document that two people can agree on before entering into a significant relationship or even marriage. The famous Mark Zuckerburg reportedly has a Relationship Contract based upon a request from his wife detailing what she should expect after she moved across the country to be with him. Apparently this is quite the trend in Europe and for people over the age of 45 who have been divorced. The idea of a ‘Relationship Contract’ sounds a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t two people be able to just talk about what matters? Do two people really need to have a physical document stating expectations? The answer I have found is: maybe. My husband and I have a few things that we have verbally agreed to before and after our marriage ceremony. We have things that we both value that we want to ensure we continue to have throughout our relationship. For some people, maybe a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Maybe having a physical representation of agreed upon ideals is needed to keep the relationship healthy. These are the things that my husband and I have come to agree upon for our relationship. Like I stated earlier, each relationship is unique with its own shared values and ideals. These are just a few things that work for my relationship which may or not work for yours as well. Agreements We do not see divorce as an answer to our problems. This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people and we are not judging anyone who has taken the course of divorce. My husband and I believe there is a time when divorce may be the only answer for some people. However divorce should not be the answer to trivial unhappiness. There is usually a way to work through the daily stuff in order to remain good enough together. The effect of us never ending an argument with the threat of leaving helps us fight for a better relationship. We do not bad mouth each other, this includes complaining. Media portrays serious relationships as something that people are never fully satisfied in. We all have our quirks that our SO (significant other) puts up with, we all get mad, or upset over things he/she does. But here’s the thing: complaining about these things, bad mouthing your SO in public, will never help! Once you begin having that ‘complaint session’ with other people, that little irritation is fed and all of a sudden, you have lost control of the situation. We do promise to always have a date night. Now people hear ‘date night’ and think: “we have kids”, “who has money for that”, or “who has time for that”. When it comes to ‘date night’ what we strive for is intentional time together; meaning no technology, just the two of us doing something. We play games, eat a meal, have coffee, literally any time spent away from technology can do a relationship wonders. We have recently discovered ‘Happily: Date Night Boxes’ which have been an easy way for us to spend time together (especially with us not wanting to go out during a pandemic). Look for our post on reviewing our date night boxes! We do promise to support each other in all that we do. My husband and I both worked full time and attended online graduate programs for the first three years of our marriage. It was not easy and it was not always pretty. The struggle was real, the tears, the heartache, the constant state of frenzy was something that we struggled through together. The unconditional support we share has impacted our relationship for the better. Without supporting each other, this ship would have sank in that first year of marriage. So, when you consider your relationships (current or future), we hope that you can keep these things in mind. Our relationships are choices we make and things that we have some control over. Every relationship requires work, commitment, and agreement on what is allowed by both people involved. Relationships are never perfect, we will never be perfect but we can work on being good enough for each other.  However well intentioned, many self-help books are based on very specific results to a specific person in specific circumstances. Sometimes these things can be motivating or inspiring. This is all well and good. Where it can be unproductive, or even worse, counterproductive is when this leads to a formula for guaranteed success. We can liken these differences to what the scientific community calls a case study. A case study is a detailed look at one case to get unique details that would be hard to measure with a large population. Case studies do not produce forms of treatment. Experimental research is what is more helpful in this regard. For example, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has specific steps that EFT therapists around the globe are trained in and replicate. The outcome studies are valuable because the same thing has been done with couples of different ages, races, location, amount of kids, etc and has found lasting success. This is very different from a couple telling you their unique story and then telling you what to do.
Many self help books are not written by people with education in an area or professional experience in the domain of their writing. This does not mean none of them have anything valuable to say, but this does mean we have an unbelievably oversaturated market that may have some nuggets of truth dispersed throughout a very deep ocean. An alternative to this, would be finding someone that is actually practicing in their field. We wrote a review on Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. It's a, respectfully, horrendous book on relationships that is often rated highly by your average person. You know what he is not? A marriage therapist. Nor are his degrees. Completely unrelated to marriage therapy. He is simply a man that made 2 verses in the bible more than what they are intended to be, took other scripture out of context to support his message, and was effective at marketing. Some communicators are great at tickling ears. They can write things in such a way that they can make us believe in a different future. There are far too many variables that can keep this from working though. Here are some things that can help navigate these types of books:
 Disclaimer: I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate with a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. I am not a Psychiatrist or medical doctor. Medication is something Americans tend to be incredibly comfortable with. According to a study by the CDC from 2011-2014: 1 in 9 Americans take antidepressants compared with 1 in 50 three decades prior. In many ways, this is a necessary treatment. What seems to be an issue is the way it can be handed out. For example, if I break my foot there is a protocol I would follow. I would see a doctor, maybe have surgery, take some medication to manage the pain, take some time off work depending on the severity, and track the progress until I can make changes. I would not be on crutches forever and I would not be taking pain pills forever. I use those things for that season where my foot is broken. In other cases, I might be dependent on medication for life. We know these things about physical issues but when it comes to mental health, we have a different view. If I break my foot, I will probably see a doctor that specializes in this area. I probably would not be comfortable with my general practitioner performing a complicated surgery on my heart or brain. However, we will take psychotropic medication from someone that does not specialize in that field. And it can help, right? That is why we do it. We feel better after we take it so we do not really see an issue. The physical equivalent here would be hobbling around on a broken foot and taking pain pills to get us through without treating the source of the pain-the break. There are many reasons why this is important, but let me highlight one of them. When it comes to depression and suicidal thoughts, sometimes people are too depressed to make a suicide attempt. With the little energy they have, it sounds like too much work. While this keeps them alive, it is not how someone would want to live either. Here is where a big difference can come in: If this person were to go to a psychiatrist, they may be given anti-depressants that they take for a week and then return. When they return they have an opportunity to explain if their suicidal thoughts have become worse or more accessible. If they receive the same medication from their general practitioner that asks them to return in a month or three it may be too late. While this may seem extreme, depression can literally be a life or death situation and it needs to be addressed by people who know the spectrum of potential outcomes. There are many things in the area of mental health, like with physical health, that may require lifelong medication. However, there are other things we face in life that can be overcome in therapy. There is a difference between shoving down the emotions we have and addressing the root cause of these emotions. If you are not crying anymore but you are not happy anymore either, you may have dealt with your pain or grief in a way that left its own damage. Here are some tips to change the way you deal with your medication:
 Do you ever feel overwhelmingly busy? Do you ever feel guilty saying no despite already being busy? Something occurred to me recently-we talk about being busy like it’s a badge of honor. The expectation seems to be “If you are not busy, you must not have value as a person.” There are seasons of life where it really is inescapable. In some cases, being busy just comes down to having poor boundaries. It can come from an inability to say no and make time for your priorities. We think having time on our hands is some indication of lack in our lives. I’ve noticed more people being involved in various community roles, being more serious about their diet and physical fitness, advocating in their passions, seeing family, seeing the world, and bowing down to a zeitgeist that says if you do not do all these things you are a miserable person. Consider these conversations about being busy. Busy with “working all the time”, “taking the kids to their (XYZ)”, “hanging out with (unimportant relationship)”. Riveting, right? There are very real solutions to these things. If possible, say “no”. If your job overworks you and they will not let you spend appropriate time elsewhere, decide if that particular job is more important than relationships. If you sign up your kids for too many activities, realize the consequences of that. Believe it or not, recent scientific literature suggests kids having time to be bored can be healthy for them emotionally. When it comes to relationships, I think there is a balance. Sometimes you spend time with challenging relationships because that person is struggling. Where I think it is unhealthy is if you genuinely dislike who you are spending time with and spend time without them complaining about them. When we take on a manageable load, we produce at a much higher rate. However, when you take on too much, all areas of life can be impacted. You may not be able to put in the energy at work and miss details or run behind on projects. If you volunteer, you might not have enough left in the tank to really meet the population you are trying to serve where they are at. Relationships tend to be put on the backburner because you are exhausted from everything else you are trying to accomplish. Social media really just throws fuel on this fire of social comparison. While I’m writing this post, the first three posts on my Facebook feed are about one person being an amazing parent, someone else is in Niagara Falls, and the next is traveling out of town for a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on my couch while my wife is watching TV. By comparison, it can be easy to feel less than. If I’m honest though, this is one of my favorite days of the week. I don’t want to be doing these things others are doing. It took some effort to structure my life in a way that creates boundaries so I do not feel overrun with being busy. I still struggle with this as well. There are times when I am talking with someone and it is easy to feel like I am missing out. There are other times when I talk to people that are incredibly effective, have really healthy relationships, and are totally comfortable delegating tasks or turning down invitations. They, to me, seem to be the most relaxed people I know. What I want to make clear is there is a balance. We all have many things that are important to us and some things we cannot take off our plate. If we are intentional and mindful with what we do accept, those things will be more fulfilling. Here are some ideas with how to deny the culture of busyness. Action Steps:
 Since 2005, depression rates among adults in the US have nearly doubled. Since 1999, suicide rates have risen by 24%. While rates vary among ethnicities and ages, the rise is the same. Reasons vary among researchers as to why this is happening, but a common factor is unsatisfactory income. However, if you make minimum wage in America and work full-time, you are richer than 92% of the world. With that income, why are we so depressed?
Now before you stop reading, this is not a political post. It just begs the question: If we have our freedom, high wages relative to the rest of the world, and a culture that puts our individual happiness above all else, why are people so unhappy they are choosing to end their lives? In Stumbling Upon Happiness, Dan Gilbert states happiness increases very little after you make $50,000 annually. Obviously there are benefits to earning more, but it does not impact happiness because we expect too much of what it will bring us. Considering celebrities are not immune to suicide-this makes sense. However, there is a way that money can bring happiness: giving it away to benefit others. We do not have to have money to experience this though. We can also give away time. People who volunteer tend to find themselves happier than those who do not, they feel more connected to others with whom they share a common goal. This can result from any number of things. Working together to build a house for someone, serving food at a soup kitchen, or mentoring others are some examples. I wonder about this connection piece though. Are we not more connected now than ever before? We have social media! I can always see what people are cooking or feeling or buying, what more do I need? “Social media” may be a misnomer though. Have you ever had a real moment of connection via social media? There is a difference between texting and sending memes to someone and taking the time to connect with them face to face. The more we learn about social media, the more information we have about the negative effects. There is actually a connection between how many social apps people use and how high they rate symptoms of depression. There is also a connection between depression and people having more friends on social media. This does not necessarily mean social media is the culprit, but it does seem to be related. If people are more tied to social media are they still investing in relationships in-person? This may be a determining factor. I wonder if we have placed too much emphasis on individual happiness to the degree that we will not put up with things that bring real happiness, that can bring us pure joy. Relationships, whether it be with friends, family members, or romantic partners, will occasionally cause us to be uncomfortable. They impede on our momentary happiness. If we are willing to work through this conflict it can make our relationship more meaningful. This does not mean we will see eye to eye on everything, but we could be able to respect differences of opinion. Not being able to be comfortable with these differences is actually a sign of boundaries that may need to be restructured. There is a family therapist that would call this enmeshment. Meaning our boundaries are so unhealthy, we are uncomfortable with others disagreeing with us. If we are able to have these more clear boundaries, we can be friends with people we disagree with. Does having a social support system really make a difference though? Let’s look at veterans to understand the need for deeper social support. The military spends so many weeks in basic training together. They get reprimanded together, eat together, sleep in close quarters, and support each other to overcome the mental barriers to their physical challenges. They spend an incredible amount of time in community. Did you know 50% of them come back with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? This is something people obtain when they suffer traumatic events. It is easy to assume that this is due to war, but something does not add up. Only 10% of those veterans actually experience live warfare. Sebastian Junger suggests that the remaining 40% is traumatized by something else: our lonely society. Maybe veterans are hit so hard when they come home because they know what it is like to experience being in a unit and supported by people and experience the society that makes people who have never had an experience like that depressed. People are lonely. Not just some people, but nearly half of the population reports feeling alone despite the ease of connection we have with 21st century technology. We need people with us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We need people to walk alongside us when things are hard. Life is filled with challenges. Having people you can be real with when you are struggling can make things much more bearable. Maybe this post does not really relate to you directly. If anything, I hope it creates some awareness towards those in your life that may be overcome with loneliness. If you think you could stand to increase your social support, here are some practical ideas:
 Dr. Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect, has a doctorate in Child and Family Ecology, was a lead pastor, provided pastoral counseling, and is the President of Love and Respect Ministries. His technique primarily focuses on improving communication skills. He essentially takes the stance most marriages can be improved if the wives respect their husbands more and husbands loved their wives better. He presents it in a “one-size fits all” approach.
 This musical production is fantastic! If you haven't seen it, you should, ASAP!
After watching for the hundredth time, I started to look past the inspiring lyrics, the fabulous costumes, the great choreography into what the storyline and characters are truly about. That is what this post is really about: when you are not distracted by the lights and dynamic scenes, there are some great lessons that we can use to help our kids, teens, and ourselves understand some important life lessons. 1. Diversity This story creates beauty out of many different types of people. Our society is often caught up in their appearances and judge others based on clothes, accessories, or money, without thinking about the person behind the looks. It is easy to be distracted by the outside layer and difficult to not make snap judgements about someone but we miss out on so much when we allow our own prejudices to take over. The Greatest Showman shows how one person being willing to accept those who look different created a family that is able to love and support each other in way their biological families did not. To be an example to others, we have to start by checking our own prejudices and truly consider how we perceive and act around people everyday. 2. Dare to dream Too often it is easy to tell ourselves, and others, that dreams are not possible. We are quick to list all the reasons a dream would be too hard to achieve or list all the obstacles. What would happen if we allowed ourselves the room to truly explore dreams? The Greatest Showman tells a story about a man who went from being broke to making more than enough. It takes hard work, making a plan, and setting goals but it is not impossible to ever achieve creating something out of nothing. We should encourage dreaming big, help others achieve their dreams or give ourselves room to achieve our own dreams. Achieving a dream means nothing if the startup and success goes unsupported or unappreciated by others. Let’s begin to help those in our lives set goals and create the plan that can lead them to seeing that dream actualized. 3. Facing adversity together We have all had those days; those days when it feels like the whole world is against us, when we feel tired, overworked, and unappreciated. Life is is a constant state of change and it is easy to become overly connected to everything that is happening in the world around us. The Greatest Showman created a world where a group of diverse people are not accepted and become ignored by the one person that brought them together. What gets them through their struggle to gain acceptance of themselves and their world, is the support they gain from each other. Sharing the burden by showing up and never wavering, never judging is a way to show our support to anyone who is facing adversity in our world. Now, I know that not everyone has been obsessed with The Greatest Showman the way some of us have been, but we cannot deny that there are lessons that can be shared with our families. I think the point of this film was to share how easy it is to get too caught up in looking a certain way, lose sight of values previously held, and how tempting it is to ignore those who appear too different from ourselves. My hope is that next time you view a film, that you can look past the stage production, past the costumes, and amazing actors to the deeper area behind the characters. Obviously not every film can be taken to deeper places, but if you look for it, you may surprise yourself.  The topic of failure brings up lots of feelings. People often assume that failure is not an option, like we are all capable of choosing to fail or not to fail. Being afraid to fail is a little like being afraid to step out the door in the morning; everyday comes no matter how prepared you are just like failure is inevitable no matter how prepared you are for the day ahead.This pressure to never fail is, in a way, a failure. Not just to ourselves but to those around us.
Failing has always been a struggle of mine. I used to desperately cling to being perfect and doing everything I could to ensure that I would never fail at school, at dance, in a job, in relationships. Let me tell you: it is an exhausting way of living. When I finally accepted that I am not perfect, that I will fail many times in my life, and that I do things wrong; life got a little easier. I truly believe that learning how to fail is an important life lesson. When something is inevitable, isn’t it best to learn how to handle it head on rather than hide from it? There is a way to accept failure and a way to move past that failure. Not just for ourselves but for those around us, because we not only fail ourselves but occasionally others. It seems that so few of us have learned this lesson which can make it difficult to accept failure in those around us. Let me tell you the lesson learned here is grace. Grace is the reason we are capable of accepting failure and how we can move past failure. When we remember that everyone fails and that we are made imperfectly, it is much easier to fail with grace rather than fail with a temper. This is a lesson that should be past on to our children. Learning graceful failure as a child is easier than to live our lives trying to be perfect until we run out of steam. Children are so resilient and capable of bearing more than they are given credit for. They learn from the adults in their lives what is acceptable and what is not. If a child is told over and over that failure is not an option, they learn to live in a constant state of anxiety. On the flipside, if a child is taught that they will be shown grace when failing, then they will learn to show grace to themselves and others. I pray that this philosophy of expecting and accepting failure in life will trickle down to our children and influence others in our lives. Teaching children how to fail with grace is not something that many people think about, I know I never did until I noticed how hard some kids take it when they fail. Especially with our new age philosophy of allowing every child to ‘win’ in sporting events. This idea of everyone winning only leads to disappointment in later life because we can’t all win all the time. But win children are given the opportunity to fail, they are being shown that it happens. Everyone loses. Everyone fails. Everyone also recovers, moves on, and learns from their mistakes. Failure is always an option, sometimes an inevitable option that can’t be helped. As fall approaches and schedules get loaded up with games, competitions, tests, and other activities let us remember grace. Grace in failure for ourselves, for our children, and for everyone else in our lives.  When I met my wife, most of my time away from her was spent looking forward to seeing her again. I would think of creative ideas for when we would see each other and how we would spend that time. We would get coffee and walk around the park talking, go to movies, go dancing, or go walk around the bookstore I knew would make her fall in love with me if she associated it’s greatness with me (Thanks Recycled Books in Denton, TX!)
At this time in our lives, we were in college, but the busy part. We were both taking full-time upper level courses, working in research labs, working for actual money, and volunteering at our church AND a non-profit. Somehow, we managed to fit sleeping and eating in there too.When we did have time together though, we made it count by being intentional with focusing on each other and trying new things. Most dating couples do this without much thought. Sometimes, people get married and transition to dealing with life. Some may think they have moved on from dating to being married. Could this be a damaging way to think of our marriages? Gary Chapman (author of Five Love Languages) suggests that there is about a two-year period in a relationship where people feel “in love” without doing much to keep this going. When someone is “in love” they have yet to experience much difficulty in the relationship. We are not very aware of our partners flaws, or have not found those flaws irritating (yet). Once we start to get back to real life though, we have to make an intentional effort to keep these relationships moving forward. We cannot just put our relationships on auto-pilot and expect them to fly the distance. A common reason for divorce is people drifting apart. This can happen at any stage of your relationship. There is always something else that can be made priority over your relationship. A newly married couple with no kids may put their career or friends over their spouse. Many couples struggle keeping their relationship strong after the kids are out of the home. I’ve had conversations with people who are simply aware they have put their spouse on the back burner and focused on parenting. Some couples dread retirement and having to be around their spouse more. Our culture has just given into the lie that marriage is impossible and that no one has a happy one. However, many couples DO make it and DO have fulfilling relationships. A consistent date night is a way to accomplish that. A pushback I often hear if I suggest this in therapy is that a couple doesn’t have time and/or money for date night. This is a misconception that we all can easily fall into and it can be devastating to our relationships. So let’s reconstruct how we see date night. It does NOT have to be an expensive dinner followed by an expensive activity possibly paired with baby-sitter fees. Try this instead. A date night is intentional time spent together to deepen your connection. My wife and I will usually do one date night out a month where we spend a little more money. The other three weeks consist of playing games at home, taking a walk, or going to a coffee shop. (This is without cell phones mind you, but that is a different topic for a different post.) If you are married or have been dating your partner for a few years now, there is no doubt that you’ve changed since you’re relationship began and so has your significant other. This is the case for every person on the planet, and will be until the end of time. Putting in the effort to know this changing person before you can create a relationship far beyond what the culture puts out there. Action Steps
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