Book Review

Dr. Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect,  has a doctorate in Child and Family Ecology, was a lead pastor, provided pastoral counseling, and is the President of Love and Respect Ministries. His technique primarily focuses on improving communication skills. He essentially takes the stance most marriages can be improved if the wives respect their husbands more and husbands loved their wives better. He presents it in a “one-size fits all” approach.

There is actually research that refutes the belief that improving communication skills is a short-lived success and most couples fall back into old patterns rather quickly. The book as a whole seems to never get to a deeper issue. For example, if there is an unresolved issue between a husband and wife that makes it incredibly difficult to respect him, telling her to respect him likely will not solve their issues. There would need to be some additional work to overcome to wound on the relationship that has not been resolved for years. After chapter 4 or so, it seems to repeat a fairly simple concept: wives respect your husbands, husbands love your wives. 

While his point may be a bit repetitive, that doesn’t necessarily make it a bad book. The main issue I had while reading this book was how he takes scripture out of context to prove points that have nothing to do with the point he is making.

Here is an example: 
Dr. Eggerichs version, “If you are angry with your wife, even for “a brief moment,” she is “grieved in spirit” and “rejected,” and needs reassurance that you love her (Isaiah 54:5-8)”.

Isaiah 54:5-8, New Living Translation, says “5 For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. 6 For the Lord has called you back from your grief—as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,”says your God. 7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. 8 In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer.”

Context is important in the Bible. He is ignoring the context of the intended meaning.

There is more scripture that refutes the point he tries to make by changing the meaning of this portion in Isaiah. For example, Ephesians 4:26 says to not let your anger control you. It is making the assumption that the emotion of anger will occur but warns you against sinning in that anger. There are many different sects in religion. There is a possibility that Dr. Eggerichs believes anger is a sin and that is why he presents it in this way. Regardless, my understanding of the Bible is different. Social science research also indicates that it is more important for how a couple fights and how they repair fights rather than setting an expectation that you should never be angry at your spouse.

I think he is walking a dangerous line to misuse scripture, considering his presumed knowledge based on his education and experience as a pastor. It also gives false hope by making us think there is a “quick-fix” to a hurting marriage. The Bible is not simply a book of advice that he happened to find the most important nugget to cure marriages. The scope of the Bible paints a picture that all people are wounded in different ways and our sin manifests in different ways.  If Ephesians 5:21-26 was a secret to a perfect marriage, why are there so many wounded marriages in the church? It is because marriages are more complex than that.

Overall, I would not recommend this book. It seems to have worked for enough people for it to be a common book in Christian culture, but there are other books that are based on scripture that go much deeper. On a secular level, if you do not want scripture for your marriage help, there are books that are based in research that are evidenced-based treatments (See suggestions 1 and 3 below). Research shows that simply teaching communication skills is not a long-term solution for couples. When your spouse has hurt you, you are not going to think about reflecting their feelings and using “I” statements. Furthermore, I have not found any evidence of him being a Licensed Counselor. I think this can misrepresent what he is doing since he talks about his years of “counseling” couples. Skills training is not counseling. This misrepresentation can lead people to believe they have experienced couples counseling when they really only received a piece of advice. If they believe they went through couples counseling and that one piece of advice did not work, they may feel they have done what they can for the relationship and decide to quit or decide they must be destined to live in suffering when further intervention could change the trajectory of their marriage. 

On a personal level, I am uncomfortable with how he talks about women. Authors I’ve read that I have loved their books speak of their wives with insurmountable respect. They are jewels in their lives that they make efforts to love well for the sake of their wives pleasure. Dr. Eggerichs speaks of women in general like they are a puzzle to solve so they are less inconvenient.  Lastly, all through graduate school, I never had a professor or counselor use the word “crazy” to describe a person or thing. It is not just clinically inappropriate, but damaging on a societal level. People with mental health diagnosis’ are just marked off as “crazy” due to ignorance. I see it as the mental health professionals job to advocate for this change. 

I do think that spouses may often have a different view on what is showing love and respect. A conversation on how a spouse feels loved and respected can, of course, be a good thing. I would not recommend that in light of this book though. Luckily, there are many other books worth reading on marriage. Here are 3 action steps to a healthy conversation: Share your experience, focused on your experience: If you feel your spouse is being unloving or disrespectful on a regular basis, communicate that by talking about how it makes you feel followed by stating your needs. 

Start with something you can appreciate about the conversation if possible: This can take some effort, but forces you to calm down before you approach the conversation. If things get heated, take a break: A 20-minute break can help a difficult conversation avoid taking a turn where only detrimental things are said. “I’ve really enjoyed us being in a place where you are more comfortable telling me your frustrations. Tonight though, I felt really disrespected when you said “xyz” in front of everyone. I felt like a child being lectured. I even understand the complaint, but in the future can you bring things like that to me in private?”  versus  “You treat me like crap. I can’t believe you said that in front of everyone.”

Here are some other books you might be interested in instead of this one:
Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson
For Men Only and For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman​