STOP Trying to Diagnose Your Spouse

    “What brings you guys in?” is one of my favorite questions to ask when I am seeing a new couple. It tells me a few different things. The first layer is obvious-infidelity, communication, finances, or any other number of things people face in a relationship. The next is a term created by Dr. John Gottman of “we-ness”. There is a difference between a couple that says “We have trouble communicating” vs. “They don’t listen to me”. The first statement shows some sort of ownership on both ends. We could break it down to “I have difficulty saying things in a way where I feel heard and they have difficulty not getting defensive.” The other one says “They need to change for this relationship to work.” What the presence or lack of we-ness shows me is a piece of the dynamic that plays out with a couple. 

    There are different schools of thought in the world of psychotherapy. A core belief in what would be the philosophical view of family therapy is that we need to change the dynamic more than a symptom. If someone has been struggling with depression and they do not feel secure in their marriage, there is a realistic possibility that marriage therapy is more what they need than individual therapy. If we were to compare it to a physical illness, this could be like treating a cough when someone has the flu. The cough might subside, but the reason for the cough is still there and it will likely return if not treated. Marriage therapy can actually address many of these symptoms in ways we may not expect. In some cases, it can impact depression, anxiety, or even trauma. *Trauma often needs specialization, but couples therapy can help as well.

    In our culture, commitment is not quite as expected in a marriage as it was a few decades ago. The view of marriage itself has changed in many other ways, but there is certainly something to be gained from commitment. There have been and continue to be times when someone has stayed in what we would now consider an abusive or manipulative relationship due to cultural values. However, one extreme for another may not be the answer either. In any marriage, there will be challenges. Going through these things and supporting each other through them strengthen a marriage. In some cases, these are things that are out of our control. In other cases, they are things where loving someone requires loving them when they are not at their best. This creates secure connection. 

     If we take the idea of we-ness and apply it to the challenges in our relationships it may change our approach. This can have couples go to therapy with more of a mindset of overcoming  challenges together rather than trying to change their partner. One thing that seems to be a barrier when couples come in is when one of them has taken it upon themselves to diagnose their spouse. This is not helpful. It usually leaves one person feeling even more disconnected from their spouse. It can create an identity for their spouse that ends up needing to be shed.

​This may seem hard to avoid, but here are some tips to consider:

1. If there is a mental health concern, see a psychiatrist.
2. Get help sooner rather than later as a couple. 
3. Use we language to create support in your relationship.
4. Take ownership for what you do in a negative dynamic.